Poet Charly Cox, who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 17, says her problems were belittled and ignored for years and how poetry eventually saved her
‘I struggled with anxiety and depression as a teenager and fought for so long to be taken seriously by doctors. At first I was dismissed as “hormonal”, and shrugged off with questions such as, ‘has your boyfriend broken up with you?’ After suffering debilitating panic attacks for years, I made a half-hearted attempt to kill myself. While I was recovering at home, word got out at school and I was flooded with messages on an anonymous forum asking, ‘Why didn’t you die’ and ‘You should have tried harder’. The ways in which people feel they can speak to you because they’re hidden behind a screen is frightening. I left school after that, at the age of 16 and started working full-time as a digital producer.
I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 17. Like so many teenage girls who struggle with body image, I loathed mine and felt unworthy of taking up any space, so knowing there was something clinically wrong with me was a relief but also devastating. I already felt imperfect and now I felt like my brain was broken too.
To help me get through that time I kept a diary. I went from writing about boys I fancied, to untangling all the mess in my head when I felt anxious or low. I didn’t feel creatively satisfied in my job, so in 2017 I decided to try and become a published poet. I started posting my poems on Instagram and connected with people who felt the same, eventually building up a following of 42.8k and being offered a book deal.
I wanted to give something to my younger and present self, as my first image of people with a mental illness was of those portrayed in the media as nuts or crazy. Women can still be flawed and desirable, and you can still live an interesting, intricate life whilst dealing with very real sadness. I deliberately haven’t re-written anything in my first book, She Must Be Mad, it would be a travesty to go back and say, ‘this line could’ve been a bit cleverer.’ That is how I felt, and it’s really important that others get to read it too. I guess through my poetry I’m sharing my experience of mental health from a place of strength.
It is bizarre that so many people know truly intimate parts of my life through reading my poetry. But I don’t find it scary or feel brave being so open – I just think it’s really important. We’re all good at saying we need to talk about mental health, but that isn’t the same as actually having the conversation.’
* Charly’s latest book, Validate Me: A Life of Code-Dependency, is out now *
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