It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. Coworker sees herself as a mother figure
I’ve been working in my current company for about three years, and that whole time I’ve worked closely with someone else in my very small department (four people at present), Catelyn. Catelyn is some 20 years older than me (I’m in my 30s, she’s in her 50s), and confessed to me a couple of years ago that she thinks of herself almost as a mother to me. This made me very uncomfortable and my knee-jerk reaction as the time was to say, “I already have two mothers, so I don’t really need a third.”
She has since brought up this maternal feeling to me many times, sometimes teasing me about it, but often pressuring me to take her unsolicited advice, saying “Once you’re a mom, you can’t stop being a mom.” I’m her adult coworker – I feel this is entirely inappropriate. I’ve since gotten a promotion that means I am senior to her, though not her supervisor, but this attitude persists. I work very closely with her, so I worry that if I speak up about this I risk alienating her or hurting her feelings. The truth is, though, that her political and social views are very different from mine, and often I find her advice borderline offensive.
How do I approach this to get this behavior to stop, while also retaining a good working relationship with her?
So often when people feel a strong need not to hurt someone’s feelings, they end up softening their message to the point that it’s missed … which I’d argue actually isn’t kind because it allows the person to go on irritating them, which the person almost certainly wouldn’t want to do (especially if they’re deserving of that kindness in the first place). I say that because I think you should be pretty direct about this. Catelyn is really being inappropriate with you, despite your initial hint that it was unwelcome. But you can still be kind — it’s just that the “kind” part probably needs to come from tone of voice and including some language that lets her save face.
I’d say this: “I’m sure you don’t intend it this way (that’s the saving face part) but when you talk about mothering me, it makes me really uncomfortable. You’re a great colleague, but it’s undermining to me when you take a mothering stance. So I’m asking you to stop. Thanks for understanding.”
If she does it again after that, look annoyed and say, “I asked you to stop doing that.” If it happens again: “I asked you to stop doing that, and it’s getting awfully weird that you’re continuing.”
Those are harsher than the initial language, obviously, but there’s a point where it doesn’t make sense for the only person worried about hurting the other’s feelings to be the one who’s having her clearly stated request disrespected and ignored.
2. How do I tell an employee he isn’t welcome at our holiday party?
I’m part of my company’s HR and operations team and we have an employee (Steve) who has just resigned and his last day will be a few days after our annual holiday party. Our CEO does not want Steve to attend because of past behavior and has left it up to me and Steve’s manager, Dave, to keep him from coming.
Ordinarily, this wouldn’t even be an issue but Steve has a history of being rude, immature, and explosive to the point of being verbally abusive. I’ve lost count of how many times he’s yelled at and/or insulted coworkers on phone/email/Slack, including higher-ups. In fact, he is currently refusing to speak to Dave, who is also his department head and a C-suite executive, which is why Dave would like me to handle this situation as the “HR person.”
I’m well aware of the many, many issues here and how problematic it is that we have an employee refusing to speak to his manager, and who has been allowed to treat others so poorly during his tenure. However, he has an end date and I’m just trying to focus on getting there with as little fall-out as possible.
Given Steve’s history, I’m concerned he’ll react negatively to being told he cannot attend the party and may even try to show up in protest, I want to find the most professional and unemotional way to let him know he is no longer invited. My initial thought was to make it about the fact that his employment is coming to an end and the party is intended for current employees/continuing employees, but if it were anyone else they’d still be welcome to attend. We’ve also had a few beloved former employees come back to attend the party as the plus one of a current employee. Should I still go this route? Should I make it about his bad behavior? Is there another alternative I haven’t thought of? What do I say if he agrees in the moment and later decides to crash?
It’s really rude to tell an employee they can’t attend a holiday party for employees. You’d be better off setting his last day for before the party happens (but paying him for the full length of his notice period). That doesn’t guarantee he won’t show up, but it makes it a lot less likely. And when cutting his remaining time there short, you could explicitly say that it’s because he’s not even willing to speak to his manager and that because of those issues, you need to make it clear that he should not attend the party. (Frankly, that would be a better approach even if there were no party to deal with, because it makes no sense to let someone this hostile and toxic work out their notice period anyway.)
And really, if your CEO is so pained by the thought of Steve at the holiday party, something should have been done about his history of hostile and abusive behavior long ago! It’s not cool to let everyone else be subjected to it for months/years and decide to put his foot down over a party right as the guy is on his way out anyway. I’m all for the foot coming down— but at this point it should be in the form of cutting this farce short altogether, not just blocking him from a party.
3. Employer offered me more money than they advertised
I’m a college student and recently got my first job related to my major. The interview went really well. I think I exceeded expectations during the technical portion of the interview. I got a call later that day saying not only are they offering me the job, but they are increasing the salary significantly above what was mentioned in the ad (that we also discussed in the interview)! I’ve never heard of anything like that in the years of reading your blog.
I was just wondering if that’s something you have heard of in your experience hiring and why companies might do it.
It’s a thing that sometimes happens! Sometimes it’s because they realize your skills exceed what they were originally advertising for and they want to pay you fairly (because it’s ethical, because they want to retain you and not have you leave quickly, and because they want internal salary equity). Sometimes it’s because they realize their original salary range was off (same parenthetical notes apply here). Sometimes it’s because they realize that with a few extra dollars an hour, they can delight a promising new hire. Take it and be delighted!
4. I’m a contractor but my client wants to do professional development with me
I am a freelancer who has been providing ongoing services to a company for about five years. The hours are about equivalent to a part-time job, and I also work with other clients and my own business.
This year management has decided to hold professional development meetings with all employees and freelancers. The questions we are supposed to reflect on and discuss include things like “describe your value to the company,” “how are you developing emotional resilience,” and “where do you see yourself in five years?”
As a freelancer, this feels odd and possibly inappropriate to me. What do you think? Is this normal, or should I push back?
Yeah, that’s not appropriate if you’re a freelancer / independent contractor. To legally treat you as an independent contractor (meaning you’re responsible for your own payroll taxes, etc.), an employer needs to meet certain standards, described here, which are intended to preserve a real distinction between employees and outside contractors. One significant factor is the degree of control employers exercise over workers, and this kind of professional development, like performance reviews, is likely to be viewed as at odds with the independent contractor relationship. Blurring the lines like this means they risk being forced to reclassify their contractors as employees (with all the accompanying costs for payroll taxes, benefits, and in some cases government-imposed fines).
So yes, it’s worth pushing back. You could say, “I’m concerned that this kind of professional development runs afoul of the IRS regulations on preserving the distinctions between contractors and employees, which could result in you having to reclassify contractors as employees, which I imagine you want to avoid.” (If your sense is they may not even realize those regulations are in play, you could link them to this.)
4. How should I respond to this note from a hiring manager?
I have been interviewing with a large corporation. I have had two phone interviews and a three-hour in-person interview with the hiring/position manager, a would-be peer, and a person who formerly held the position. I think it went well and I seem to still be in the running. I followed up the next day with the hiring manager to pass on my thanks to the people I interviewed with, which she did.
A week later I received this email from the hiring manager: “Thank you for taking the time to interview with X Corporation. It was my pleasure getting to know more about your experience and helping you understand our team and its impact on X Corporation’s business. We are still in the interview phase of the recruitment process, but hope to make a final decision soon. Thank you for your patience, we know interviewing can be time consuming. If you have any additional questions about updates or the process, please reach out to you recruiter. Once again, thank you for taking the time and have a great rest of the week.”
What is the best way to respond to this? I know this is a standard response, but is it a kiss of death? I do know that there were at least 13 applicants, but I obviously don’t know their qualifications, etc. I am still very interested in the position and would love to work for them, but am at a loss on how to respond without sounding wishy-washy.
It’s not a kiss of death. It’s just a thank you and a slight update. Don’t read anything more into it than that.
It doesn’t really require a response at all, but you could reply with something like, “Thanks for this update. I enjoyed meeting with you, Jane, and Falcon, and I look forward to hearing from you or (recruiter).” If you haven’t sent a post-interview thank-you note yet (which aren’t really thank-you’s but instead should be more substantive notes building on the conversation), you could send a short one in reply to this, but otherwise this is all you need to do.
coworker wants to mother me, telling an employee he’s not welcome at our holiday party, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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