It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.
Remember the letter-writer who was uncomfortable with her husband’s work set-up? He worked for a friend and the letter-writer worried about their work dynamic (the friend yelled at him and had him do personal favors) and her husband’s work habits (like coming in late). Here’s the update.
The last three months have been a bit of a whirlwind. I wasn’t expecting you to respond so quickly or even at all. I panicked over how little time I had to tell my husband that I’d written to you. A couple of months prior, I had gotten him hooked on AAM and he’s become an every day reader. I didn’t know that he’d become so invested. Also, the day you were to publish my letter, I was going into my job early to interview for a new management position. The short story on that is that I got the position and now manage a department for an organization I’m very proud to be a part of. I promise this is relevant.
Back to my husband and I, he wasn’t super excited that I’d written to you about this, but he wasn’t exactly mad either. We both read the comments that week, and while a lot of people were super helpful and had constructive things to say, a bunch of folks also missed the mark. Yes, the problem I wrote about was two-fold: my husband’s inappropriate boss, and what I perceived as a lack of professionalism on my husband’s part. Yes, I did realize even as I wrote in that a significant part of this problem was more about me than my husband – I just didn’t know how much until later. The part that tripped up some readers was that I myself am not a micromanaging control freak – but I am very afraid of them. My husband’s boss’s behavior was constantly setting off alarm bells in my brain – that’s so exhausting! And my husband’s behavior in the face of that, was both terrifying and frustrating as it was behavior that would have gotten me fired from most past jobs.
The direct results of my letter have been not bad. Not much has changed with my husband or his boss, except for maybe a bit more confidence on my husband’s part. Thank you to everyone who confirmed the fact that he didn’t deserve abuse from his boss. Also, thank you to Alison and everyone who told me there wasn’t anything I could really do about their relationship. It was something I low-key already knew, but needed a gut check. My husband works for an organization that is well-known publicly. Group tours are a thing. Even though I’d been to his office for the occasional lunch break and knew a few of his coworkers, I’d never been on a tour. The place is a lot more casual than anywhere I’ve ever worked, so I felt better about his lack of stress.
Which brings me back to where I currently work and how that fits in to this situation. When I wrote, I was mid application process for my first management job. I knew a lot about what kind of manager I did and didn’t want to be, but was only just starting to realize that my management style was going to be (at least in part) shaped by the people I was managing. Who were also my current colleagues and friends. I wanted this job and was also terrified. I got in the habit of working myself up trying to figure out what I would do in a million different scenarios. And I started to consider the behaviors of people who I knew but who would never be in a position to work for me as potential future scenarios I’d have to deal with as a manager. Shout out here to my fabulous therapist, who can get to the bottom of my anxiety in record time. Of course I was doing this to my husband. What if one of my employees is habitually late? What if they come in breaking the dress code? What if they no-call no-show? What if I get so mad I yell? What if they yell back? Etc., etc.
I’m happy to report that my anxiety was mostly unfounded, and that it never manifested into terrible management behaviors. I have about 10 people on my team, and I report directly to the top of the food chain. There are some growing pains, and not everyone is used to taking direction from me after I took it from them for several months. But nothing is outside the normal frustration over big changes – none of it is personal. My team and I respect each other, like each other, and have always all worked well together. My new job isn’t necessarily easy, but I love it, and I’ve been able to lead with both empathy and assertiveness. My husband and I are all good, and I no longer get so wound up about his work behaviors. I still wish he had a different boss, but my dad used to say, “Wish in one hand, poo in the other, and see which fills up faster.”
Thank you, Alison, and thank you AAM community!
update: I’m really uncomfortable with my husband’s work set-up was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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