It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.
Remember the letter-writer whose employee (Kelsey) kept complaining about a coworker (Lorraine) but didn’t want her to step in? Here’s the update.
I definitely think that I did not describe the situation especially well in my first letter to you, but some readers (and you!) were able to figure out what was going on. In the nicest way possible, I was trying to find out what’s the best way to tell an employee that they are the problem, not the employee they are reporting.
About 3 weeks after my letter ran, I did reviews with all my direct reports. In Kelsey’s review, I specifically mentioned that some of the things she needed to work on was not taking jokes so seriously (because she got offended that someone said she was making them fat by bringing in delicious baked goods on Fridays), and that she needed to grow a thicker skin, and to remember that in any given situation, she has the power to make changes as needed. We talked about how if she perceives something to be offensive, to bring it up to me so I could help figure out where the issue was. In Lorraine’s review, I gently reminded her to think about what she says before she says it, and to remember that perception is everything – she might not mean something to be offensive, but if someone takes it that way….well, that’s the perception. I also told her that I wanted to be supportive to her, but that I needed her to give 100% at the office every day and show commitment to making the team work, and that included addressing any issue she might have with a coworker either directly with that coworker or with me, not with the team at large.
About 2 months after that, Kelsey went over my head to Big Boss and unloaded a bunch of nonsense on him (his words, not mine) about how the team ostracizes her. One particular complaint she made was regarding a meeting we had offsite. Lorraine asked if anyone wanted to ride to the meeting (about an hour away) together. 2 others from the office joined her. I heard her ask, and I heard the responses. Kelsey didn’t say a word. Lorraine and the rest of the team (me included) arrived at the meeting site first, and choose seats in a particular row together. We left enough room for Kelsey to join us. Kelsey arrived about 10 minutes after we did, and walked past us to sit in another row. She then said that if any of us wanted to join her, we could. Since we had already unloaded laptops and meeting materials, we chose to stay where we were. Kelsey went to Big Boss and told him that we had made her an outcast at the meeting, that everyone else had ridden together (not true) and that we deliberately left her out, and that once at the meeting we shunned her by not sitting with her. After Kelsey went to talk to Big Boss, he sat down with me after and we talked about a path forward. He could see through her as well – this is pretty clearly a case of someone getting offended for attention.
I brought Kelsey into my office that afternoon and was incredibly blunt. I told her that I was in the office when Lorraine asked if anyone wanted to ride up with her. Kelsey’s response was, “well she didn’t ask me directly.” I told her that she was finding fault where there was none, and at this point, the things she was complaining about were of her own making. She then proceeded to tell me a very bizarre story about growing up that didn’t really fit with what we were talking about. Once I steered the conversation back on track, I continued with letting her know that further complaints that are unsubstantiated wouldn’t be tolerated, and that the person who is the problem here is her. I told her that maybe this position wasn’t for her, and that she needed to seriously think about her role here, and how comfortable she was remaining in her role knowing that I was not going to be supporting her complaints anymore. We also talked about why she felt this way and how she had the power to make the changes – she was the one remaining aloof and not talking to anyone. She was the one purposely not entering into conversations with her coworkers. She was the one who did not jump on the offer to ride up with Lorraine. She was the one who chose to sit somewhere else at the meeting.
Alison, I don’t know what this tripped in her head, but she made a complete 180 and is totally different in the office. I walk in now and she is laughing and joking with her fellow employees. She hasn’t been “offended” by anything in at least 6 months or more. She engages in conversations we have as a team, and actively participates in events. I’m surprised, to be honest, but happily so. She has really blossomed into someone different, and I’m so grateful for that!
And in a strange twist of fate – Lorraine is now one of my best employees who consistently gives 150% every day. So all in all – a great update from me!
update: my employee keeps complaining to me about a coworker — but won’t let me step in was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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