It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.
1. My team got matching tattoos … and other lack of boundaries at my start-up
I’m so happy to report that, very shortly after you posted my letter, I was contacted by a recruiter that provided a perfect opportunity to leave, and I’m so happy I did. Not only did I get out of a toxic environment, but the new position doubled my salary, has fantastic benefits, and I’m able to work on projects that focus on the parts of my skillset I most want to prioritize that I can honestly say I probably wouldn’t have been able to in my old company, as somebody outside the clique. It’s not an exaggeration to say that this new job is an improvement in basically every way.
Thank you so much for your great advice and for the commentariat’s wonderful encouragement to take a risk, however small, and move on to a new environment that offers me opportunities to grow my career.
2. I don’t want to do the outdoors volunteer project my manager planned (#2 at the link)
I didn’t quite have the guts to speak directly about this event just not being a good fit for me to my manager. We had tensions pop up which were unrelated (manager blocked a job offer from another team which would have advanced my career) and I just didn’t think it was a good topic to add to the mix. I was able to utilize your other advice which worked well though!
I put in requests for my volunteer time for later in the year for a fundraiser that I was chairing and then I booked a trip with flights on the evening of the outing (I was going to make this trip regardless, I just figured that weekend would be a very convenient time). My manager somehow didn’t realize that meant I wouldn’t be coming and kept speaking to the team as if we were all going to be there. Finally they spoke to me directly about where we should meet for the shuttle and I reminded them that I had already reserved all my volunteer time and hadn’t signed up to go. They then offered to have me attend anyways and luckily I was able to say that I would need to leave directly from the office in order to make my flight so would not be participating.
I’m probably not going to be on this team next year (fingers crossed!) but if I am, I’m determined to speak up and say that I prefer to volunteer for different organizations.
3. How can I get coworkers to leave me alone about a humiliating TV experience?
Pretty much what the commenters said is what happened. I was more or less anonymous. Strangely, a week or so ago, I was approached in a food store by someone who worked in another department in the building who recognized me and wanted to know more about it. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I felt kind of cornered since I was alone, and, well, he cornered me, so I told the whole spiel again. It was uncomfortable, to say the least, but I never see/saw him outside of that one occurrence (although apparently he’d seen me before and knew who I was); if he presses it again, I plan on shutting the conversation down, and if he still keeps it up, we’ll see where I should go from there. Hopefully that’ll be the last time. Other than that, no one seems to have given me any trouble, other than a few random online bullies with nothing better to do with their time right after the show aired. (I swear, some people have their religious scriptures to determine what is right and wrong, and others have their trash TV hosts.) Haven’t heard anything about it since.
Oddly, the worst person to deal with wasn’t a coworker, but a member of my family who loves the show (ugh) and who repeatedly and impatiently demanded to know when it was airing, and apparently believes in that fiction that anytime anyone appears on TV, it’s automatically a wonderful experience because people got to see you on TV. Even after I told him, again and again, that I absolutely did NOT want to talk about it, that it wasn’t anything like he thought it was, he wouldn’t let it go – knowing him, he thought I was just being silly, because hey, I got to be on TV! It finally took another family member sitting him down and telling him to shut up before he’d leave me alone about it.
If there’s any advice I have for anyone else who gets approached for this kind of thing, it is – DON’T DO IT. No, you won’t walk around a pariah for the rest of your life, but remember, no matter how much the people who contact you act like they’re your friend, they’re sympathetic, they’re on your side and tell you that you have a great case for whatever you’re suing for – this is not about getting justice for you, it’s about getting ratings for them. Although I didn’t have any long-term repercussions, it absolutely wasn’t worth it.
4. How can I shut down a nosy receptionist’s questions about my appointments?
Your response, and the comments in reply, really helped reinforce for me that I’m allowed to have boundaries and not share everything about my personal life with my coworkers! I’m much more comfortable with throwing a “Heading out, be back at ___” over my shoulder as I sign out and walk past reception and generally being cheerfully and politely evasive if I feel like anyone’s prying a little too much into my business. Honestly, I felt hugely validated that I wasn’t necessarily being overly sensitive – other people reacted the same way I did to the tenor of these interactions.
However, this did pull into focus for me the fact that this was one symptom of a workplace environment that, overall, is a little too boundary-stomping and likes to promote the idea of our coworkers being like a “family”. Not my cup of tea, and I’m looking for something new – I actually have an interview next week. Wish me luck!
updates: the matching tattoos, the embarrassing TV show, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
from Ask a Manager https://ift.tt/2Q0Wx5o
0 Comments