1. I’m so nervous at work that it’s holding me back
I’m coming up on a year at my new job and true to your prediction, I feel much more settled and confident in my role.
Two major things happened:
– I did indeed eventually get the hang of things. I use a two-pronged approach now: I religiously use our project management software for all major projects (and start every project by drafting a checklist of things that need to happen) and a running list in a notebook for all minor tasks. Every time I get told something, it has to go into either of those spots for future reference. I’m also successfully tackling more stretch projects, honing my troubleshooting skills and as you predicted, it’s been a positive, reinforcing cycle.
The ADHD theory is interesting and I’m doing some more research because my forgetfulness and my need to be very organized are not just limited to my work. My spouse sometimes affectionately refers to me as an old lady because if something isn’t written down, it’s just not going to happen.
– My manager amicably left for another opportunity and I started reporting directly to GrandBoss. As it turns out, I enjoy working for GrandBoss far more than I did my manager and at the root of it, I believe there was a bit of a personality mismatch between my manager and me that I didn’t realize until I was working under someone else.
My former manager was far more intense and exacting than I am and their overall managing style did not really help develop my confidence. While I believe you in that my former manager was mentally giving me breathing room to develop my skills, it didn’t feel like that on a day-to-day level. I got disapproving looks sometimes for questions, rebukes for not being able to find an email or not reading something closely enough, and it just felt like there were a million ways to disappoint my former manager by not meeting her standards.
GrandBoss is much more easygoing and understanding and I feel like I have room to breathe and focus on my work. I’m still held to a high standard in terms of my work output but the intensity and pressure are dialed way down and it’s done wonders for me. To be clear, my former manager was overall great, I learned a lot from her, and there are no red flags per se in her behavior but it just wasn’t a good fit for me specifically.
2. My coworkers are in a self-help cult
After a second instance I mentioned what had happened to Bernadette’s and my manager. He was super concerned since he’d heard of [old name of self-help cult] in the ’80s and he flagged it up to his manager, who ended up talking to Jason’s manager.
A few weeks after that, Jason asked my advice as to whether he should offer some insensitive advice (essentially “the power of positive thought will help fight cancer”) to another team member whose close relative is ill. I strongly advised against it, but he persisted and made the insensitive comment to her.. (Her response was that if positive thought was the cure, her relative would be at the peak of health.) The team member reported this to our shared manager as well. Shortly after that, Jason was moved to another group, and left the company a few weeks after that.
Bernadette seems to be getting over the cult-think and gaining more confidence, and I’m continuing to actively give her positive feedback where warranted. We’re also getting some additional staff for the team and the changing dynamic definitely seems to be an improvement.
3. My employee gets stressed and frustrated and snaps at me (first update here)
After my last update, things at this job took a turn for the worse. I found out that others thought my employee had been shifted to a different manager/team because of my “bad management skills”. Apparently the “situation” had been discussed among leadership but no one ever told me – in the multiple times I’d asked my manager for guidance he’d only ever said I was doing well and to carry on. I continued trying to make it work at that organization for some time, but things ultimately came to a head and I moved on.
What has happened since then?
– The employee is one of many at his tier; while he was viewed as a rockstar under my management (I did a lot to promote his great work, grow his skills, and give him opportunities to shine), I hear that he now gets little to no attention, is stagnating at the more junior end of his tier, is doing the same types of work repeatedly and has little to no room for advancement. I feel badly for him because he really is talented.
– My former manager now works elsewhere, with a lower title & rate of pay.
– After reflecting on my experience over the past year and hearing continued reports of truly asinine management/operational practices, I feel confident that there was a lot of real dysfunction in this workplace, and I no longer feel guilt or shame for not being able to “fit in” better.
Thank you again Allison for your advice, and to all of the commenters – I read each comment on the original post & the first update multiple times, and was so grateful for everyone’s insights and support.
4. Should I write my boss’s performance goals? (#3 at the link)
Your readers were spot on that my manager, Kenny, was “an empty stair” and his manager, Sara, was failing our company division by not holding him accountable. I realized that there was a lot more management dysfunction than just Kenny. In early September, I transferred to another division as a client liaison and continued applying elsewhere. I thought I’d diversify my skills and see if I liked client relationship management. My division was sold to a competitor in late September, which also lit a fire under me. Things weren’t stable, and I did not want to work for this competitor. I applied like crazy for everything in my field.
In October, I left the company and started a new (more senior!) role in my field with a highly respected company that has much more infrastructure about training and mentoring. The new role came with a 33% higher salary, shorter commute, and a title in line with my education and experience level.
The biggest lessons I took from this experience were “know when you’re ready to move on” and “know your value.” I didn’t think I could find anything better, so I stayed for about a year longer than I should have. I’m really happy with where I am now; my manager and my team respect my expertise and skills, and I honestly see a great path forward into more senior roles and opportunities.
updates: the nerves, the self-help cult, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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