It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. I sent a text about my problem employee to the wrong person
I find myself in a pickle and am a nervous wreck. I have been a manager at a healthcare facility for two years. It has not been easy. The manager before me was stepping down and knew me from my managers group. She badmouthed me during a staff meeting she held with the employees prior to my arrival. It was hell when I arrived. One particular employee undermines everything I say and new rules that I put into place. She is very passive-aggressive and nothing is ever her fault. So I have been fed up with it. I asked my sister, who is a minister, to put a request on her prayer list. The request was to remove this employee and any other problem employees from the facility and to make the facility peaceful. Well, that message was sent to an employee with a similar sounding name, and she showed it to the employee. I have let my boss know of my error and feel like a complete idiot. What should I do, and can I get fired for this?
Oooh, this isn’t good. It’s an adversarial message to have out there and is likely to cause tension and even hostility in those relationships. It also makes you look weak to anyone who hears about it because it implies that you’re turning to prayer in place of actively managing your team. (To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with prayer — it’s just that it can’t be a replacement for effective management.) And even beyond the optics, there’s what it really reveals about the situation: that you’re not managing your staff, despite being their manager.
That’s where I’d focus. Apologize to the employee for the message, tell her that you’ve erred in being hands-on when you should have been actively managing her …. and then you’ll need to start being a more hands-on manager. Address the problem behavior clearly and forthrightly, enforce consequences, hold her accountable for her conduct, and be willing to remove her from your team if you don’t see pretty quick improvement. That was the only effective path before this happened, and it’s definitely the only possible one now. (You’ll need to loop in your boss as well, because you’ll need her to have your back as you clean this up.)
2. Is this too much time off to ask for in a new job?
My contract officially ends in late February/early March, but I’m exploring other options and open to getting out early if possible. What makes me nervous right now is that I’m heading into a very busy spring/summer with trips every few months. I need two days off in March (bachelorette), eight days off in June (family Europe trip), two days off in July (another bachelorette), one day off in August (family wedding where I’m a member of the bridal party), and two days off in November (wedding where I’m a member of the bridal party). So, totaling 15 days in a fairly short period of time.
Is this an absurd amount of time to take when I will be in a new job? Most places I’ve looked allot 15-20 days vacation/PTO, but obviously I could end up working somewhere that only offers 10. When should I mention these trips in the interview process? And does it make sense to let them know about everything at once?
You’d want to negotiate for the time you need off once you have an offer but before you accept it — here’s a whole guide to how that works.
But yeah, that’s a lot of time. It’s not even so much the total as it is the number of separate trips — it’s an unusually high amount of separate days off to ask for (as opposed to if you were saying, “I have a two-week trip planned for August”). It might be fine, but I’d think about whether you’d be willing to give up the two bachelorettes, which would leave you with just one pre-planned vacation and two family weddings, which sounds a lot more reasonable to ask for at the offer stage.
Keep in mind, too, that at a lot of places you accrue your PTO each pay period rather than getting it all awarded at once up-front, which would mean you wouldn’t have enough accrued to take all of these trips. By raising it at the offer stage, you can often get them to agree you can take the time unpaid — but again, it’s a lot to ask for when you’re new. (Of course, as with all offers, the more senior you are and the more they want you, the more negotiating power you have.)
3. Growing out gray hair at work
I am in my late 30s and started having gray hairs around my teenage years. After coloring for decades, I am finally of the mind to stop and grow out my natural grays.
The issue I’m running into is how to still appear professional with about three inches of gray growth right now. I am in HR and have to meet with VPs or other higher-ups sometimes and feel very self conscious about my gray roots. I have found a few people staring at my hairline and it makes me feel very self conscious. Most haven’t said anything, but I’m writing to ask if I should address this when meeting with staff? Should I just ignore it as I have been, as this problem will be resolved (hopefully) in a year or so when my hair completely has grown out?
You 100% do not need to address it, and it would even be a bit odd if you did.
If you’re very self-conscious about it, a hair stylist should be able to help you find ways to make the difference between the gray and the rest of your hair less stark (for example, mixing in highlights, or using a temporary root concealer product, or changing up the style). But that’s really about your comfort, not anyone else’s. You’re allowed to have gray roots, and you’re allowed to grow them out, and in the vast, vast majority of fields it should not be A Thing at all. (There could be some exceptions to that, like if you’re in a weirdly appearance-focused field. If that’s the case, your hair stylist is your best bet for help in the transition period.)
And meanwhile, know that the people looking at your hairline are probably looking simply because your hair looks different than it used to and our eyes go to things that are different. It’s not because they’re horrified or outraged at your gray roots.
4. How many items can I take from an office give-away?
When coworkers bring in items to the office to give away, what is the social rule about how much one person can take? I understand that when a coworker brings in treats to share, it makes sense that each person takes one portion and leaves the rest for others to have, but what about when people bring things in to give away? We have a table in my office where people can leave things for others to take: mugs, clothing, DVDs, etc. Is there a rule about how many of these things a single person can take without being perceived as greedy or rude?
I’d say to take whatever feels like “your share” — meaning the amount that you can take while still leaving enough for everyone else to partake if they want to. Later that day, if you see that items are still available, it should generally be fine to take a few more — but I wouldn’t scoop up a seriously large amount without first checking with the person who brought them in. (You could say, “I’d love to have any X that are left over and would be glad to give a good home to whatever’s left at the end of the day.”)
5. Should I ask for a different title after nine years?
I have been at the same job for nine years, and I love it. It’s a creative position in a small company, and since it’s a bit of a unicorn job in a shrinking industry, my plan has been to ride this job as long as it exists.
But I also worry that when I finally do have to move on, it will look bad that I didn’t get any title promotion in over a decade. The job is flexible enough that I’ve taken on new duties here and there over the years, and my boss would likely be amenable to a title bump if I asked for it. (Salary is unrelated.)
Should I? I like my job and responsibilities now, and I don’t want to rock the boat unnecessarily or end up with undesirable duties in return for a higher title. My current title is fine; “senior [broad category],” decently high-level for the industry. I was probably a bit young to land it nine years ago.
But now I’m a decade older and (on paper) have stopped progressing. I’m not worried about explaining my experience and growth in an interview, just that my resume would be tossed in early stages for looking stagnant. There’s also a chance I’d be changing industries, to where people would be less likely to recognize at a glance why I’d stay at this job for so long. Should I worry about that?
If you can get a title change, it would be a good thing. It’s not absolutely necessary (in most fields, nine years with the same title isn’t a big deal, as long as you’re not entry-level), and if it doesn’t happen, I wouldn’t worry too much about it — but if you can get a title change that signals progression without spending a huge amount of capital on it, it’s a helpful thing to do.
I sent a text about my problem employee to the wrong person, growing out gray hair, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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