It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. My boss moved in with my boyfriend’s sister and now things are awkward
A couple of years ago, my long-term boyfriend’s sister had just gotten out of an emotional abusive relationship and needed a roommate. Around the same time, my boss had also just gotten out of a relationship and needed a place to live. They are the same age, in the same stage of life, so I thought it was a perfect situation to pair them up. A couple of months later, my boss moved in with my boyfriend’s sister (which is across the street from my house).
Before all of this, my boss and I had a professional friendship. We were both hyperaware of the “line.” A few times, she had disclosed personal things, but she knew I would never bring stuff up at work. However, after she moved in with my boyfriend’s sister, our friendship ended abruptly. It got awkward when she started showing up at family dinners and then at Thanksgiving.
At this point, I am adjusting. But, I still find it hard to navigate this new dynamic. She is in my boyfriend’s sister’s wedding and I just get a feeling that I can’t escape work and must always stay composed. We ignore each other at social functions, only exchanging pleasantries, but I miss the friendship. I feel hurt and confused. Any advice?
Oof. If we had a time machine, I would put you in it and have you go back and not suggest your boss move in with your boyfriend’s sister. You couldn’t have foreseen they’d become as close as they apparently have, but it was a recipe for seriously blurring the lines.
I’m especially not a fan of how your boss has handled this. You did her a favor by helping her find housing, and she has returned it by making your personal life awkward. She should have been much more thoughtful about the impact on you and not shown up at family dinners and Thanksgiving. (Really, she should have found a different roommate, but it’s too late for that.)
That said, it does sound like she’s attempting to preserve some boundaries, which is a good thing! It’s not sufficient, but it’s something. I’d try to see it that way — that she’s not rejecting you personally, but trying to navigate a situation (of her own making!) that has put you both in an incredibly awkward spot. The current situation is bad enough, but it would be even worse if she were your boyfriend’s sister’s roommate/good friend plus still close with you. She just can’t do that and still be your manager, and that’s almost certainly why you’ve seen her shift the relationship.
2. My boss thinks I can work on days I’m home with my baby
I work in a biotech start-up, where the culture can be fast-paced and require a lot of hours. For the most part, I enjoy this, and my thankfully my boss has been vocal about supporting work-life balance as much as possible. However, every time I need to stay home to care for my infant son, including my initial paternity leave and days where he can’t go to daycare, my boss says that being home is a good time to get things like presentations or other writing done. I do allow time for dialing in to important meetings or time-sensitive activities if my wife can watch my son. This most recent time, I replied that I can’t consider this a work from home day because my son requires too much attention (he’s five months, just coming off a cold, and does not nap well on the best of days). Am I overreacting? Should I be more flexible? I’ve tried working from home when watching him but it’s stressful and not productive, and I’d rather there be a clear separation on these days.
No, you’re in the right. I suspect your boss hasn’t spent much time caring for infants (or maybe had a remarkably easy baby). Keep explaining your son isn’t yet old enough for you to be able to work on days when you’re with him. If she keeps pushing it repeatedly, it might be worth asking if she has concerns about your hours or productivity generally (because who knows, maybe that’s what she’s getting at — and if so, it’s usually better to get that out into the open).
3. Lengthy written questionnaires for references
I recently received a request from a hiring organization asking me to complete a two-page questionnaire about a former employee who had listed me as a reference. This is the second time I’ve received a questionnaire like this.
I run a small law firm and find this practice inconsiderate. It will take me considerable time to complete the form. I responded by forwarding a reference letter I wrote for the applicant when she left our firm and asking if that was sufficient, noting that it is time consuming to complete the questionnaire. I also offered a brief phone call. HR responded by saying they need the questionnaire, citing the number of applications they receive.
For reference, the potential job is a part-time casual clerical position, as was the applicant’s job at my firm. The previous time I was asked to complete a reference form like this was for some one applying to be a judge (we don’t have elections for judges in Canada), in which case it seemed more proportionate.
Am I in the wrong here? What are your thoughts on this practice? I don’t blame my former employee (she likely doesn’t even know about the form) and I don’t want to hurt her chances, but is there a way that references can push back on these asks without damaging an applicant’s chances?
Yeah, these are indeed a thing, and they are indeed a bad practice. For most reference-givers, writing narrative answers to questions takes much more time and thought than a phone call would — and plus, many references prefer not to put their feedback in writing. It’s also an enormous missed opportunity for the employer, because a lot of info in references gets conveyed from having a real conversation, where you can hear a person’s tone, how enthusiastic they are, where they hesitate, etc. And sometimes the most useful information comes from asking follow-up questions or for clarification on a particular point — things that don’t happen with questionnaires.
As for what to do … this is frustrating, because if you decline to fill it out, you do risk harming your former employee’s chances. You can certainly try what you did (offering a phone call instead), but if they refuse, you’re sort of stuck. If this is someone who you’re genuinely enthusiastic about, I’d push you to do the questionnaire — but you can also flag for the employer that it’s a significant request and you wouldn’t be doing it if you weren’t such a fan of the candidate’s.
4. Are personal business cards dorky?
Are personal business/networking cards dorky? I don’t have a business card at my job and I’m about to get laid off in any case so I couldn’t use it even if I had one.
I’ve been looking for a new job for a few years without any luck, so I’m trying to stretch myself some and attempt to network. Yesterday I asked someone to contact me if they heard about a new facility opening up (that would replace my current organization) and felt ridiculous writing my contact info on a Post-It.
I was just thinking of getting an inexpensive plain-ish set from one of those online printers. Just name, email, and phone, and a couple of job titles of jobs I’ve held/am looking for. Thoughts?
Do it! They’re useful, not dorky.
5. Should I tell my boss I’ll job search if I’m not promoted soon?
I’ve been with my company in a mid-level role for several years, and I get glowing performance reviews. I’ve applied and been rejected for a senior-level role several times, and each time they offer me other perks instead and tell me I’m next in line. The perks are nice, but I’m frustrated never having the promised promotion materialize. Would it be reasonable for me to tell my manager that I’ll start job-searching if I’m not promoted soon? I want to have an honest conversation about this process and my professional goals, but I don’t want to seem like I’m twisting their arm.
You don’t need to spell it out explicitly; managers with any sense know that when someone has been turned down for a promotion multiple times, it’s likely they’re at least thinking about looking around.
What you can do, though, is to say, “The last few times I applied for a more senior role, I was told I was next in line. I took that to mean I’d get a promotion the next time, but since that didn’t happen, I’m hoping to know more about what my path forward might look like here, and what a realistic timeline is to expect.” At some point in this conversation you could also say, “Moving to a more senior role important to me. I’m hoping I can do that here and don’t need to leave to achieve that, but if that’s not likely to happen soon, I’d be grateful to know that.”
But also, job search. If they literally told you’d be promoted next and it didn’t happen (more than once, no less), this is a company whose promises you can’t rely on.
my boss moved in with my boyfriend’s sister, working at home with a baby, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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