It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. My employee talks about people’s weight
I’m a female supervisor of a small department. I’m significantly overweight. One of my direct reports has repeatedly made derogatory comments about overweight people to me during the course of conversations, such as “____is a BIG girl, I mean, she’s really big!”
I think that’s rude in general, and I also sense she’s doing this intentionally to insult me regarding my own weight in a passive aggressive way. Ironically, she’s overweight herself. Can you advise me on how to address this with her?
The nice thing about being the manager is that you have the authority to just point-blank shut this down. You could say, “Let’s not comment on people’s bodies” or “Her size isn’t relevant” or “Please don’t talk about people’s bodies that way.” If she keeps it up after that, you have standing to say, “I’ve said in the past that we don’t comment on people’s bodies here, and I want you to stop doing that.”
I’m curious about what makes you think she’s doing this intentionally to insult you. If she’s given you reason to think that (like if she’s adversarial, rude, or otherwise not reasonably civil and helpful), something odd is going on with her that as her manager you’ve got to get to the bottom of.
2. I fall asleep during car rides with coworkers
I fall asleep super easily in cars. It’s a habit picked up from years of road trips. If I’m in a car for at least about 25 minutes, I fall asleep unless I actively make an effort not to.
I intern over the summers with a federal agency in rural areas, so while I work out of an office, about every other day I shadow a coworker out in the field (literally, sometimes, a crop field). I really enjoy it! But the drives from our office can be an hour or more, and it’s usually just me and one coworker. Some of my coworkers are chatty and can keep a conversation going, so I rarely fall asleep with them. But some are more taciturn, and I’m not exactly an excellent conversationalist myself, which means I’m out like a light for half the drive after they brief me on what we’re doing.
I always feel embarrassed when I wake up in these situations, since I am technically sleeping on the job. No one’s ever said anything to me about it, but it definitely feels awkward. It’s also not like I’m shirking any work — we’re literally just driving on a highway. Should I tell my coworkers it’s just an involuntary response? Should I try better to carry the conversation and keep myself awake? Is it reflecting poorly on me, or just a quirk?
(Also, just to assuage anyone’s fears, it doesn’t happen while I’m driving! But I’m also never the one driving in these scenarios, so it doesn’t matter anyway.)
This isn’t exactly sleeping on the job — I mean, you are in a literal sense, but it’s not like you’re napping when you’re supposed to be crunching data. But I can see why you feel awkward about it.
It might indeed make sense to carry the conversation to keep yourself awake — but for all we know, some of these coworkers may prefer the silence! Given that, I’d just be up-front with people at the start of the drive: “When I’m the passenger in a car, I tend to fall asleep after a certain point unless we’re talking. But I don’t want to talk your ear off if you’d rather drive in peace. Any preference?”
3. Can I ask about salary up-front?
In college, I interned at a startup. I loved the job and the people, but they couldn’t afford to pay me a salary that would cover my student loans. So instead, I took a job at one of the highest paying (read: stressful) companies in the country, which required relocation to a high cost-of-living city.
It’s been five years, and my student loans have another 15 to go. But I’m trying to find a better work-life balance, and hoping to relocate back to the area where the startup was. This will necessarily come with a pay cut, but the cost of living is much much lower.
The startup has taken off, but I don’t know if they’re at the “competitively for the area” compensation point yet — and stock options don’t help me pay today’s bills. I told my old boss, who has continued to mentor me, that I wanted to relocate. She was really excited and sent over a job description that sounds like a dream to me. But I don’t want to waste anyone’s time if I literally cannot afford to work there. Do you have any scripts to bring up salary earlier in the hiring process / explain the bare minimum I would require?
There’s a inexplicable convention in job searching, where candidates aren’t supposed to ask about salary until you’re much later in the process — which makes no sense whatsoever, and I think to some extent is starting to change — but there are times when the context allows you to do it, like when you’re asked to invest a significant amount of time in a skills test or travel a long distance for an interview. And one of those times is when you know your interviewer well and have worked with them or been mentored by them, as is the case here.
So yes, go ahead and ask. Say it this way: “This job sounds amazing to me, and I’d be so excited to talk with you more about it. One thing that’s on my mind — I know that startup pay can really vary, so I want to be respectful of your time if we’re not aligned there. Could we touch base on the salary range before we go much further?”
4. We’re being charged PTO for a coronavirus quarantine
In light of the recent coronavirus outbreak, my company has asked all employees who are returning from Asia to self-quarantine for a week before returning to work. However, the quarantine period is considered as PTO (paid time off). We have only 10 days of PTO per year, and I don’t want to use half of my PTO when I am not sick. I don’t want to use my vacation days this way, but I also can’t go to work if my boss asked me to stay home. What would you do if you were in my shoes?
Band together with other employees who are affected and push back on it. Say you’re willing to take safety precautions for the good of the company, but you can’t afford to use half your yearly PTO to do it. Assuming you were in Asia for work, point out that you shouldn’t have to pay a penalty of half your annual PTO just for doing your job. (If any of you can work remotely, that would be one way around this, but I’m guessing that’s not the case or this wouldn’t have arisen.)
5. Starting a new job as a recent widow
My husband died by suicide 15 months ago. At the time, I moved to another part of the state to be closer to my family. I was able to stay within my company and transferred locations, but performing the same role.
After a year of therapy and healing, I’m rebuilding my life. I’ve been feeling for some time that I want to change industries, and have been applying for jobs and going to interviews. What do I do when I start a new job and my new coworkers ask me about my living situation? I’m a 38-year-old woman and I live alone with my cat and dog. I don’t feel comfortable telling people I’m divorced, as I’m not. But I’m also wary of saying I’m widowed in one of my first interactions with them, as that brings up a lot of questions due to my age. I’d also REALLY to avoid the phrase “I’m so sorry” or the Look people give widowed people. I doubt I’ll be able to avoid that. I know it’ll come out eventually, but I wish I could fast forward through the first awkward moments when several people find out for the first time. How do I handle this?
Would you be comfortable saying, “It’s just me and my dog and cat!” It’s also totally fine to say, ““Right now it’s just me” or “I was married but currently it’s just me.”
You might find, though, that people don’t ask about your living situation specifically, but rather ask if you’re married or have kids (which are typically more common questions). “It’s just me and my dog and cat!” works for those too.
employee talks about people’s weight, asking about salary before interviewing, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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