It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. How can I avoid shaking hands?
I freely admit that I am moderately germophobic: I hate catching colds and take precautions to avoid being exposed to them. Nothing excessive, but I use a stylus to call elevators, wrap a paper towel in my hand when leaving the restroom, use sanitary wipes after going through a buffet, and do not take phones from people who thrust them at me to look at something. I understand that it’s impossible to completely avoid colds, but I do the best I can.
The one thing I have not managed to do is to find a graceful way to avoid handshakes. I work in a large company with collaborative teams, and from time to time I’ll be in a meeting or professional event or social function with someone I don’t know, and their hand will come out for a shake. I hate shaking hands, and if I’m unable to avoid it, I do whatever I can to get myself to a restroom to wash mine as soon as possible. This is not ideal, but I’d rather avoid it to begin with.
Sometimes I will say, “Oh, I have a cold but it’s nice to meet you” (in which case they are always happy to back off!) but that only goes so far when I am with people who have seen that trick before. I’d rather be honest. How rude is it to simply say, “I don’t like to shake hands but it’s very nice to meet you” (with my hands clasped behind my back)? Or do you have any other ways to politely shake off a handshake? To be clear, I’m not looking for advice on how to get over my aversion to handshakes, only on how to avoid handshakes without being rude. I should also note that my company’s PTO policy encourages presenteeism with their combined vacation/personal/sick time off bank. People come to work sick so as not to deplete vacation opportunity, and you can hardly blame them, right?
Yeah, “I’m getting over a cold” is the easiest, least awkward way to avoid handshakes, but you’re right that you can’t keep re-using it with the same people. In those situations, I would tweak your script somewhat and say, “I don’t shake hands but it’s very nice to meet you.” Say it warmly and with genuine friendliness so people don’t think you’re being chilly. Some people may still find it a little odd, but it shouldn’t be a big deal. Most people will figure it’s either for religious reasons or a health precaution.
2. I made a goal of finding joy in my work daily — and it aggravated me more
We have new performance management software in which employees are supposed to set goals which are reviewed and approved by their supervisors and then those become the evaluation criteria for the employee at the next annual review.
Last year I made one of my goals, “find and write down something about my work that gives me joy each day.” I did that (kept an Excel spreadsheet with daily entries) and totally hated doing it. It wound up being a Gripe Journal as much as anything by the end of the year (it was a challenging year). A lot of days it felt artificial and futile to find anything that gave me joy, and on a lot of days I identified the thing that gave me joy as going home at the end of the day.
Well, my supervisor LOVED that goal, adopted it for his own performance metrics too, and wants me to keep doing it for the coming year. How do I find joy every day in a genuinely frustrating environment without making it seem like I’m some kind of “Little Mary Sunshine” bubbling and smiling through whatever gets thrown my way?
Can you push back on the goal? It would be reasonable to say, “I’d prefer not to include that goal for myself this year. Last year I found that having to do it every day felt artificial and forced — and sometimes it highlighted frustrations I was experiencing rather than minimizing them. I love that you want to use it for yourself! But for me it ended up being counterproductive; I found it’s better for my morale not to tie myself to that system. Instead, this year I want to focus on (insert new goals here).”
If you think it’ll help with your boss, make one of your new goals something else that’s gratitude-oriented — for example, making sure you give genuine praise to a colleague at least once per week.
3. Co-lead causes confusion with voice-to-text
I’m a scientist who works for a university and is is running a large project with a co-lead who is at another university. Overall the project is going well, but there has been a consistent problem that I’m not sure how to address.
My co-lead often replies to emails using voice-to-text on his phone, and he does not read the email he just dictated before sending it. Voice to text on whatever phone he has is not even close to perfect, and while sometimes I can determine what he meant to say, other times it’s a mystery or there are sentences that say the opposite of what he intended. Or they contain totally off-topic words.
I mentioned this to him in a joking way and he told me he uses voice-to-text to answer emails while driving and so “doesn’t want to take his eyes off the road to read the response.”
I had hoped my pointing out the issue would change the behavior, but it hasn’t. When it’s just emails between the two of us, I can reply back and ask for clarification, which makes communication slower, but I can deal with it. The larger problem is when he does this with group emails, especially when the voice-to-text creates sentences that say the opposite of what he intends, including about decisions he is being asked to make.
I’ve talked with him again more seriously about how if he doesn’t have time to write these emails when he is not driving (and driving is not a large part of his job, most days it’s just his commute), I can take some of those responsibilities, since these emails have caused large amounts of confusion, and almost a lot of money one time. But he blew me off and said it “wasn’t a big deal” and “folks make typos.” This is well beyond typos and I’m not sure what else to do, as we’re collaborators who work for different universities, so it’s not like I have any authority over him, but I also need and want this project to go well.
Ask one more time, and this time be very direct that it’s causing problems and wasting time and explicitly say that you’re asking him to stop. For example: “We’ve talked about this before but at this point I want to formally ask you to stop using voice-to-text for our emails if you won’t be able to read them over before sending. The mistakes are causing too much confusion — sometimes your emails say the opposite of what you intended, and it’s causing people to spend a lot of time confused and seeking clarification. As you know, once it almost cost us $X. Can you please stop doing emails that way so we don’t run into that confusion?”
If he insists on continuing after that, there’s not much else you can do to stop him. But you should at least stop doing the work of clearing things up on his behalf. Instead, when he sends a confusing email, reply back with, “It’s not clear what you mean here — I think voice-to-text has struck again. Can you send a corrected version when you’re back at your desk?”
4. Interview over breakfast
I have my second interview with a local company Friday morning. The first interview was at one of the company’s locations with the hiring manager, a team member, and someone from HR. The second interview is with the managers from different locations of a department which I would be working closely with. However, it’s taking place at a breakfast restaurant (Google’s description). So how do I handle this? I’m already questioning the formality of it (although I will still wear a suit), but what about food/drink? Do I order something if the interviewers do? Do I offer to pay? I’ll likely be too nervous to want to eat, but I don’t know if that would be rude.
If they’re doing a morning interview at a restaurant, it’s probably breakfast, but it’s possible that it’s just something like coffee. Show up prepared for either and follow their lead — if they order breakfast, you should too. If they just order coffee, you should just have a beverage as well. But if they do order a meal, follow their cues about what to order — if they’re all getting coffee and a muffin, you don’t want to have a massive stack of pancakes and sausages in front of you.
Even if you don’t feel like eating, you should still order something and try to eat at least a few bites. That’s just about about being gracious — people don’t usually like to sit at a restaurant eating while the person across the table from them isn’t, and you want to minimize awkwardness here.
Assume they’ll pick up the check — this is a business expense and they’re the ones who issued the invitation and chose the restaurant. It would be very bizarre if they didn’t. At the end as you’re leaving, thank them for breakfast. More here!
5. Can I ask my employer to pay me for doing my side job for them?
I have a regular 9-5 job, but on the side I also do voiceover work and have done some local radio commercials. Most people in the office know I do this and are very supportive. I was talking with a friend in our marketing department, and we have done radio commercials in the past (though it’s not common for us), and I was joking with him that if they ever did another commercial in the future they should let me know! Then he said that if they ever did another commercial, they might come to me.
This is a hypothetical scenario, but if they did ask me to record a commercial for them, could I ask to be paid the way that I’m typically paid for doing commercial work? I usually receive a lump sum for recording time and usage. Can I ask them to pay me that (in addition to my salary)? Or does this fall under the “any other tasks as assigned” umbrella? If I didn’t do this semi-professionally I wouldn’t even think about asking (for what it’s worth, I’m not a member of SAG-AFTRA).
They could try to claim this falls under “other duties as assigned,” and legally they can do that — but it would be a crappy move if this is very different from your actual job.
But start with the assumption that of course this is different from your regular job there and it’s work you charge for as a freelancer, so you’d use the same set-up you use with other clients. Start with, “I typically charge $X for recording time and usage. Does that work on your end?”
If they won’t agree to that, then you can decide whether or not you’re up for doing it anyway. (Although keep in mind that once they realize you’re charging them your normal rates, they may become less interested — and that’s okay too.)
how can I avoid shaking hands, looking for joy in my work aggravated me, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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