It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. Employee expects us all to attend her destination wedding
I’m the owner of a company based in the Northeast. Our team is mighty, but tiny — only ten people, three of whom are in leadership/senior positions. One of our employees firmly believes that since we spend most of our time at work, coworkers should function more like family than like, well, coworkers. We try to find ways to gently reinforce that we all need appropriate boundaries at work, but it comes up often enough to make it clear that she considers us to be her close friends.
She is getting married next year, in a destination wedding taking place in another part of the country. She has invited all staff to attend and has even made it clear that including the whole team was a priority for her in the planning process. At this point, she fully expects that every employee will attend. The wedding is something almost constantly on her mind, and she has many emotions surrounding who will be there. It does seem like she’s (unconsciously?) using the wedding as a “friendship test” of sorts, and already speaks as if we are all confirmed guests. The invitations haven’t even gone out yet!
Of course, not all of the staff are planning on attending, though my question is about myself. I know that this event is emotionally meaningful to her. As the head of the company, do I suck it up and pay to fly across the country and get a room in one of the country’s most expensive cities to attend a wedding I don’t really want to go to? On the one hand, I just don’t believe you can expect people to automatically be able come to your destination wedding. On the other, I worry about her general morale and approach to work if I skip out on this event. (This may be an issue anyway, given her colleagues will not all be in attendance.)
What is the general etiquette for bosses attending employee weddings? What would you recommend here?
Ugh. The etiquette around destination weddings in general is that you’ve got to assume many people won’t attend — and that’s magnified exponentially when it comes to coworkers. In fact, as a default, people should assume coworkers won’t attend their destination weddings — taking time off work and paying for travel and hotels is a big commitment that usually doesn’t match up with work relationships. And that’s even true for you as her boss. It’s perfectly polite to kindly say, “I’m so happy for you. I won’t be able to travel for it, but hope you have an amazing day” and give her a nice gift.
The bigger issue is that you’ve got an employee who’s pressuring colleagues to shell out to attend her far-away wedding. As the person at the top, you’ve got to intervene. It sounds like you’ll need to have a compassionate conversation with her about not making people feel obligated to attend, especially given the cost (and presumably PTO) involved. Part of me wants to suggest you could help this go down more easily if you suggest the office do something local for her (a wedding shower during lunch, a congratulatory happy hour, etc.), but you’ve got to be careful there — if you haven’t done it for others and you do it for her, that can cause bad feelings.
2. How can I avoid handshakes during the coronavirus outbreak?
I know you’ve answered several questions in the past about handshakes in the workplace, but none directly apply to an outbreak situation like we’re currently experiencing. I’m starting a new job in about a week and a half and am dreading the obligatory new hire handshakes. I’m not a huge fan of touching other people to begin with, but with the COVID-19 outbreak the idea is even less appealing. (Especially since the parent company is based out of a highly quarantined area in Italy and I have no idea who has been to the home office recently.) I know a simple “Oh, I don’t shake hands” will get me out of any handshakes, but can I reasonably do this and not expect to be branded “that weird woman who won’t shake hands” forevermore at new company? First impressions matter after all!
Try this: “I’m avoiding handshakes right now, but it’s very nice to meet you.” People will figure it’s about coronavirus, and quite a few will probably appreciate it.
Another variation, possibly even better: “We’re probably all avoiding handshakes right now, but it’s very nice to meet you.”
3. Company’s careers page is full of fluff
I am not a manager, but my work involves writing web content for my company and our clients. One client has sent me their draft for their careers page (the content for the page that takes you to the application portal and includes info about the company’s values and benefits). Their draft is filled with what I think of as fluff and business jargon. It hypes up the culture of the company with a lot with phrases like “we are an entrepreneurial community” and “we never say, ‘it’s not my job’” and “We are a company unlike any you’ve ever worked for.” It sounds catchy, but there’s no substance to it.
Is this compelling on what is essentially a sales page for the company? It’s definitely salesy, but it doesn’t say much when you start reading closely. My instinct is to keep it short and sweet with a description of the company history, what they do, and benefits, but I don’t think my client will agree. They are a “trailblazing” new company and they Want People to Know It. If it makes a difference, most of the jobs they are hiring for are in manufacturing, with a few professional degree admin roles (accounting, IT, HR) mixed in.
Ick, yeah. People want clear, non-fluff-based, concrete info about the company, the job, the benefits, and the culture. They don’t want hype or sales pitches. (That said, if this company thinks that no one ever saying “that’s not my job” is an important piece of their culture, that’s helpful for them to tell people, although not in a good way.) Push them away from fluff and buzzwords toward specifics. The comments here may help too.
4. Phone etiquette
At my last job, I had a coworker who I could not stand, personally or professionally. One of the many things that I found irritating was that any time she called me with a question, she would launch right into it without saying “hello.” The phone would ring, I would see that it was her, pick up, and say “Hi, Teryl.” She would say “Did John approve the article?” Not exaggerating, this happened every time we spoke on the phone. My usual response, because it bugged me so much, was to take a noticeable pause, pointedly repeat my “Hi,” and then answer her question.
Obviously, this is a minor complaint, and it was probably only so annoying to me because it was in the context of so much other obnoxious behavior on her part. But I’m just curious if you agree with me that it’s really rude not to say “hello.” Like, if my coworker wrote in to you and defended this habit, would you tell her to knock it off?
Yes. That’s rude!
I would have been tempted to stop greeting her by name when she called, so that when she launched straight in, you could say, “Who is this?” Every. Time.
5. Can I ask for a new employer for more vacation time?
After 13 years at my current job, I’ve been approached by another employer about an amazing job offer with a nice salary increase. The only problem is that I’ve accrued a good amount of vacation and sick time and don’t want to lose it and start over at a new job with nothing for the first year. It’s there a way to negotiate adding some time off since I would be leaving a good deal behind?
Yes! You can say, “I currently get X vacation days and X sick days, and would be leaving X hours of accumulated PTO behind. Would you be able to match some of that so I’m not starting from scratch?” Especially as you get more senior, it’s not uncommon for employers to be willing to bring you in at a higher time off level so you’re not starting at the bottom. Here’s more on how to do it.
(Also, are you sure you’d otherwise have no time off for the first year? That’s typically the mark of a crappy employer and I’d look carefully at the rest of their benefits.)
employee expects us all to attend her destination wedding, avoiding handshakes during coronavirus, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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