It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. My brother wants me to tutor his granddaughter for free
Last year I started my own private tutoring service for children. I picked up several children and worked well with them. It became a very good side business for me. My main work is as a teacher aide in a local high school.
At the end of the year, I went to our family Christmas party and while I was there my brother asked me if I would be willing to tutor his granddaughter, who will be starting high school this year. I explained that I would need to sit down with her parents and discuss it with them. He said that if I agree to tutor her, then I should not charge for my services as she is a family member and not a standard tutoring client. What can I do under these circumstances?
How nice of your brother to decide that you should work for free!
If you want to tutor a family member for free, by all means do. But it’s entirely reasonable for you to say, “I love Jane, but I only have a limited amount of time available for tutoring and because that money is part of my budget I need to fill it with paying clients. I totally understand if that’s not what her parents are looking for.” If you think it would help family relations, you could offer to do something else helpful but less time-intensive — like sitting down with her once to get enough info to make a recommendation of what kind of longer-term help they should look for.
2. My coworker made an anti-Semitic comment
Someone I like very much at work said something that I would normally handle with scorched earth, knock down drag out mad. In casual conversation, she referred to a neighborhood in the vicinity of my workplace as JewTown. (A religious school in the area sent some kids home because of coronavirus exposure.)
I winced visibly. I’m Jewish, not very Jewish but you don’t stop being Jewish. She was casual about it and was just like, “Well, that’s what they call it.” I didn’t respond with THATS COMPLETELY RACIST. I just said, “Well, it’s called (Neighborhood Name).” I may have said, “Um, you can’t say that,” but to be honest I don’t remember.
So how do I handle this without making a big crazy mess of it? She’s someone I like, but really you can’t say JewTown, Jew someone down, Gyp someone, etc. in the workplace. You just can’t. I don’t want to involve HR either. Do I drop this, wait for it to happen again and THEN go deep on address it, pull her aside and explain the history of the word, or what?
WTF. No, you cannot say JewTown. At work or anywhere.
Pull her aside now and address it. Don’t wait for it to come up again because it might not, and don’t let it go. I would say this: “I was too surprised in the moment to address this fully, but I need to tell you how offensive the term ‘JewTown’ is. know you wouldn’t want to offend or insult people, so perhaps you didn’t realize it’s an anti-Semitic slur.”
I’m always torn on whether it’s useful in these situations to mention that you’re Jewish yourself (and myself). It seems useful in reminding people that Jews aren’t some mysterious Other who they don’t know, but it’s nearly always results in “Oh, I didn’t know you were Jewish!” — which is gross, as if their bigotry would have been okay in front of a different audience. Ultimately it shouldn’t matter if the person objecting is Jewish or not; they shouldn’t assume anyone is okay with bigotry.
3. Can I wear slippers at work?
I work in healthcare (in the UK) and have in the last week transferred hospitals. So far it has been great, but I am in a very old and sadly rundown part of the hospital. When I am at my desk, I find that my feet are absolutely ice cold. The heating is not very efficient and I have poor circulation, so even with thick socks and closed brogues I can barely feel my toes. I have found that this greatly affects my comfort and concentration.
Would it be appropriate for me to bring in my fluffy slippers from home to keep under my desk? I would obviously put on my proper shoes for wandering around the hospital! If it matters; the dress code is “smart casual.” I wouldn’t normally think it was okay to wear slippers at work but it is just so cold! Would this be appropriate and how do I bring it up to my manager? (By the way, I am by quite a margin the most junior team member.)
If you’re only wearing them when your feet are hidden away under your desk, slippers shouldn’t be a big deal. But the less obviously slipper-like they are; you want to avoid, for example, slippers that make your feet like look fluffy bear paws or hobbit feet. Imagine having to wear them in front of your whole floor during a sudden fire alarm evacuation and choose accordingly.
I don’t think you need to run it by your manager unless you want to bring to her attention how cold your office is! In that case you could say, “I’m finding it’s so cold in my office that I can barely feel my toes sometimes, so I’m keeping a pair of extra warm slippers under my desk. I won’t wear them when I’m not at my desk, of course.”
4. My manipulative ex got hired at my company
I started dating a coworker last year. She was the new person at work, seemed very friendly, and got along with everyone at first. Slowly over our six-month relationship, I began picking up on signs that she wasn’t really the person she says she is. After a while, I realized she is very manipulative and attention-seeking, and she tried to get many people fired, myself included. As soon as I realized how unstable she was, I ended it with her, as she put me through a lot of stress during the time we were together. She ended up quitting (the company wanted to fire her, but she threatened a lawsuit) and she moved out of state for work.
Ten months have passed since she moved away. I recently started working at a new facility, and guess who shows up at my new company? She’s back! I am worried she will start more drama, maybe try to get me fired. I don’t know if she’s following me or if it was pure coincidence.
Should I go to my boss and tell her about our history? If so, how much do I say? Should I reveal that we dated? Should I speak of the problems that she had with everybody else in the workplace? I want to maintain a professional appearence and I don’t want them to know how much it bothers me. However I am dumbfounded that she is here, and I feel incredibly stressed just being in the same facility as her. I am very worried she will manipulate my coworkers and say bad things about me, as I have seen firsthand the games she likes to play. I just want to go to work and be good at my job without worrying about the drama that she brings with her.
It is worth noting that she has been with four companies in four years, in three different states, each place for less than a year. I am in contact with someone who worked with her after she quit my company, and it sounds like she played the same games there. Self destruction seems assured, and if I keep my mouth shut then people will eventually figure her out. But how many good people will she manipulate before that happens? I feel like I need to warn people not to trust her, but then I risk looking like the one who starts the drama. On the other hand, if I don’t say anything, then people will fall into her trap and she will turn them against me. What should I do?
Yeah, because you dated, I think you’ll be perceived as having a dirty lens here and/or as stirring up drama. You’re better off staying quiet and letting your coworkers figure her out for themselves (which sounds like it happens pretty reliably).
But you could have a discreet conversation with your manager where you say something like, “I want to let you know that Jane and I used to work together and also used to date, and it was a rocky relationship. I’ll of course be professional, but I wanted to disclose it in case it’s ever relevant.” You could add, “After our relationship ended, she tried to get me and others fired, and I’m concerned about something like that happening here too so I wanted to be up-front with you about the history.”
5. I’m training someone who keeps interrupting private conversations
As a senior teacher in a public school system, I supervise aspiring teachers in a local university’s on-the-job training program. The teaching degree candidates are with me for three to six months in a classroom setting. The team consists of four to six aspiring teachers working with high school seniors individually and in groups. After the first three weeks or so in the classroom, the trainees usually gel into a cohesive teaching group, but this year I have one trainee who is causing disruption.
Members of the team have frequently complained that he interrupts their coaching sessions with students, interjects comments when they are speaking with students’ parents, and redirects the conversation toward himself when they are speaking to a student, parent, or another team member. When I spoke to him about it, he felt that the other members of the team resented him because all students in the program are fond of him. But I have directly observed these behaviors. Recently, the school’s administrator and I were having a private meeting when he entered the classroom to get a personal item. It took several direct instructions before he finally understood that this was a private conversation. He finally left, but not before attempting to refocus the conversation on the group of students that he works with. There have been several similar incidents since then.
Although I have been given permission by my supervisor to terminate this individual, I hesitate because I went through the same teaching program and I know the effect that not completing this training would have on acquiring his degree. Is there anything I can do at this point to help him without having a negative impact on myself or the entire team?
The most helpful thing you can do is to tell him very clearly what behavior must stop and what you need to see from him instead, and to make it clear that if you don’t see immediate changes, you would need to remove him from the program. The clearer you can be about that, the more of a service you’ll be doing him. If his behavior continues after that, it sounds like at that point you’d owe it to the rest of your team and your students to remove him — but you’ll have done him the service of clearly spelling out the severity of the problems and the potential consequences and given him the chance to alter his behavior.
my brother wants me to tutor his granddaughter for free, can I wear slippers at work, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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