I overheard a horrible fight on a web conference, the missing chocolate egg, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I overheard a horrible fight on a web conference

This morning I was in a web meeting and the moderator was late. Folks were just kind of milling around waiting, most muted, some not. A participant who was not muted was working out of her kitchen, and her husband came in asking about whether or not she’d gotten a specific item from the grocery store; she said she had, but she was in a meeting and couldn’t really talk.

It went quiet for a little bit, but then he started laying into her about how there was “too much f—–g food” and he couldn’t find anything or put anything away. They had a pretty nasty fight that mostly consisted of him berating her, calling her names, etc. Just before the moderator came on and muted her, I heard some thuds, but they sounded like “angry cabinet/grocery slamming” noises and not signs of a physical altercation. It was all pretty alarming (maybe made worse by memories of these kind of fights in my family of origin that usually spiraled out of control and got physical). There were several starts and stops, so he had lots of opportunities to walk away or de-escalate, but he kept coming back even though he knew she was working. I think that was the thing that made me most concerned.

I’m not sure if I should reach out? I don’t know her aside from us both being in this meeting, we’re in different departments and regions, and our jobs don’t overlap aside from this one project. I don’t think we’ve ever actually spoken; she probably doesn’t know who I am because this is one of those meetings where most people are just passively receiving information. And I don’t want to embarrass her if this is just a COVID-19 lockdown outburst and not indicative of their usual relationship. It seems like overstepping to email her, but ignoring it leaves me with this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I chatted with an advocate at TheHotline.org who said that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to contact her, but I’m kind of at a loss as to… how?

It might embarrass her, but the stakes are high enough that it’s still worth doing.

Berating someone and calling them names are forms of abuse themselves. And that he did this when he knew she was on a work call is an additional form of abuse and humiliation.

You could send your coworker a message and say, “I know we don’t know each other well, but I know you don’t deserve to be spoken to the way you were before our meeting yesterday. I don’t presume to know what’s going on and obviously this is a stressful time for all of us, but I want to make sure you have the number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) and their website. If I’ve misunderstood or overstepped, I apologize; I figured it was better to reach out than not to. You don’t need to reply to this message if you don’t want to. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

2. I’m working a risky job for less money than people are receiving on unemployment

I am working in an office that is almost completely empty with everyone working from home or laid off. My employers have deemed us “essential,” so we are required to still come to work every day. I completely understand why the government has recently boosted the unemployment payments, but I am really struggling with where that leaves “essential” workers. We continue to go to work for so much less per hour than our counterparts who have been laid off and are safe at home. Instead, we have to risk going out every day and we do it for less compensation.

I am not sure how to rectify this in my mind in a way that does not make me feel bitter and angry. I will admit that my own position has little interaction with the public, but there are so many people out there in grocery store and hospitals and doing deliveries that are risking their lives. How do we move forward knowing how undervalued we are?

It’s hugely problematic how much we undervalue an enormous number of workers.

Nothing makes that okay, but it might help to keep in mind that the people who are collecting higher unemployment payments than you’re earning by working will only be getting the boost to their benefits for four months, after which many of them will be unemployed in what will likely be the worst job market most of us have ever seen. Many of them will also need to put a huge portion of that money toward health insurance if they’ve been kicked off their employer’s plan (people may be eligible for COBRA, but that can be really expensive). Very few people will be living large on the boosted payments.

That doesn’t mean it shouldn’t sting; I get why it does. But the crux of the problem is the way we’ve undervalued certain types of work that we’re now seeing how very much we depend on. To the extent that you can, I’d urge you to channel your frustration into speaking out against that.

3. My boss laid me off but wants me to keep working

I was an office manager for a small company that shut down mid-March due to COVID-19. The other three employees and I were told to file for unemployment. However, the owner expects me to continue working to keep Accounts Receivable active, by making collection calls, going to the office once a week to collect mail, making deposits, and meeting with him, “for the good of the future of the company.” I’ve asked several times about what I’ll be paid to continue working but he wants to know what I get from unemployment first. Also, he wants to pay under the table and hourly, so he wants tasks done as quickly as possible to minimize the hours, which results in a lot of emails, texts, and pressure. Before this happened, I was paid well and I looked forward to going back to work, but now I feel taken advantage of and as though whether or not I’m hired back depends on how cooperative I am right now. Is this legal? Do I have any recourse if I’m not rehired when the company starts up again?

No, it’s not legal to (a) pay you under the table, (b) certify to unemployment that you were fully laid off when he’s still giving you work, or (c) not report additional income to unemployment while you’re collecting benefits.

You could say, “I’m happy to help out, but I want to make sure we do it legally so we don’t get in trouble. We’re required to run this kind of work through payroll, and I need to report the income to unemployment because it will affect my claim with them.” You should also run the numbers and see what the additional income will do to your unemployment benefits, to make sure you don’t end up in a worse financial situation overall.

And insist on settling the wage question before you do any more work: “Before I can do this work, we need to figure out how we’re paying for it. Does $X work?”

If he pressures you “for the good of the company,” tell him you share his concern about the good of the company and don’t want it to get in legal trouble.

4. The missing chocolate egg

My company (about 50 employees) has had everyone working from home since the coronavirus outbreak. Last week, our HR asked us for our current addresses so they could surprise us with chocolate eggs at home. My manager joked that I should be home on Friday to sign for the surprise Easter Bunny was bringing me.

Well, I didn’t get anything. Everyone else (at least everyone I talked to) has gotten theirs, so I’m wondering if I should say something to my boss. I feel petty complaining about this, but I also feel left out (I’m sure was not on purpose, but still). Plus, if this was a mistake from the delivery service, I think my company should know about it for reimbursement or something. So, should I just let it go or should I speak up? I’m not gonna lie, I was really looking forward to the chocolate.

P.S. I checked and I sent them my correct address, and my husband and I were home all day, every day.

It sounds like it was definitely a mistake, either on your company’s side or the delivery service. It’s okay to speak up; your company thinks you received a gift and would probably want to know that you didn’t. Obviously, don’t make a huge stink about it — while it’s chocolate, you still want to have a sense of proportion — but it would be fine to say, “Was I supposed to receive something on Friday? I haven’t received anything yet so wanted to check in case it got mis-delivered.”

5. Carpooling during a pandemic

My friend works for a grocery store chain and has been giving a coworker a lift to work. She’s concerned about social distancing and having the coworker in her vehicle. I think she should let her coworker know she cannot help her out right now because of social distancing. She also has her family at home to consider.

Having to let the coworker down really bothers her, but I think the coworker would understand. She would gladly help her out once things clear up. What do you think? What would be an appropriate and kind way to tell her coworker this?

She needs to stop, immediately! She’s putting herself, her family, and everyone else either of them comes in contact with at risk. The public health guidelines could not be more clear on this. (And to reiterate since there’s been confusion on this point: You can be infected and spread COVID-19 to others even if you do not have any symptoms.)

All she needs to say is, “Because of the public health rules about staying at least six feet away from people we don’t live with right now, I can’t continue driving you to work — it’s putting us both at risk, and our families too. I’ll of course be happy to do it again once this is all over.”

I overheard a horrible fight on a web conference, the missing chocolate egg, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.



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