It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. I saw my coworkers’ private messages mocking my weight
I recently hosted a Zoom call for my work team. At the end of the call, I was sent the transcript for the meeting’s group chat, as it contained some important notes. I was also accidentally sent the transcript for a private chat between my coworkers “Lisa” and “Natalie.” I thought we were on good terms. We’ve grabbed drinks outside of work and exchanged holiday cards last year. But during that brief chat, Lisa told Natalie it looked like I’d eaten “all of [my] quarantine food already.” She added that if she ever weighed as much as I did, she’d kill herself. Natalie replied with laughing emojis.
While I’m not sensitive about my weight, these comments gutted me. I feel humiliated and wish I’d never seen them. I’ve subsequently had a brief “Enjoy your weekend!” message from Natalie. I don’t think either of them realizes I saw their chat transcript. I’m hesitant to contact HR because a) I dread other people seeing the transcript, b) I hate conflict and disruption, and c) I don’t want Lisa and Natalie to lose their jobs. But I don’t know how to move forward without addressing this. Should I go to HR?
How awful, I’m sorry. Making fun of other people’s weight or appearance is something only emotionally stunted people do, so … well, now you know that about Lisa and Natalie, although I’m sure you could have done without that knowledge.
Personally, I’d forward the transcript to the two of them with a note that says, “You should be aware for the future that private chats get sent to the host when they download the chat transcript.” You wouldn’t be out of line if you chose to cc their managers on that.
You can talk to HR if you want, but with interpersonal stuff, I’d generally default to handling it on your own unless it becomes a pattern (and even then I’d loop in your manager before HR in most cases).
It also wouldn’t hurt to make the rest of your colleagues aware of that transcript feature, since it’s a recipe for problems if people don’t know that can happen, even if they’re better people than these two are.
2. Clients ask how my family is, and one of my family members died
I had a family member pass from Covid-19. It’s hard and difficult to grieve when we couldn’t have a funeral or mourn them in our traditional ways. I told my manager and my team when it happened and took the day off.
I am a remote worker for my company and live in an area that is considered a hotspot right now.
Now, it seems that every phone conference I am on internally and with clients starts with, “How are you and your family? I hope everyone is well.” I have no idea how to respond to this. It feels inappropriate to mention the death of a family member to sometimes complete strangers and completely derails the meeting. (I made the mistake of just stating the fact once right after it happened … which then turned into 15 minutes of their apologies and condolences — half of the call being strangers.) However, it also feels disingenuous to say we’re fine. We’re not fine — someone died. My children burst into tears when they remember it happened. I cry thinking about it.
So far I have just not answered the question and said, “Thank you for your concern” and moved on with the call. I fear that’s coming off as cold. How else can I answer the question without answering the question?
Yeah, I think people just haven’t fully thought this through. They want to say something to acknowledge we’re all humans going through a difficult time so they don’t seem callous or all business … but haven’t thought about the fact that the answer might not be the one they’re expecting.
Of course, the traditional “how are you?” at the start of a business call is generally understood to be a social nicety, not a genuine request to know how you’re really doing. One option is to think of this the same way — but when you’re specifically being asked how your family is, I can understand why you don’t want to say everyone’s fine when they’re not.
So, two options:
* “It’s a tough time. How are you doing?”
* “Hanging in. How about you?” (“Hanging in” covers a wide range of possibilities from “mostly okay” to “not great, but I’m moving the conversation along.”)
3. My coworker borrowed my laptop … permanently
About a year ago, my coworker’s husband was hit by car in a hit and run accident. It was a serious injury and he couldn’t use one arm for weeks. My coworker suddenly needed to work from home so she could be there to help him, and her Mac computer was not compatible with our systems.
I own a desktop and laptop computer, and so I offered to loan her my personal laptop. But for some reason my coworker seems to think it was a gift rather than a loan.
Our manager is my coworker’s cousin, and it was the manager I originally offered the laptop to as a solution for the immediate need. When I’ve asked the manager about getting my laptop back, she’s told me she would talk to her boss and see what he wants to do. Perhaps she meant he would get my coworker a replacement, but whether she returns my laptop shouldn’t be up to him. The company is struggling now and has just cut our salaries 25%, so that is not going to be an option.
I am now considering leaving the company due to the salary cuts, or the possibility of being laid off. I might need to be able to do video interviews or meetings. I also want the option of being flexible where I work. How do I go about getting my laptop back?
There’s no need to dance around it like this! Contact your coworker directly and say, “I’ve been happy to loan you my laptop over the past year, but I’ll need it back soon. Can you plan to return it to me no later than (date)?” (I’d give her 1-2 weeks so she has time to make other arrangements.) If she says she didn’t realize it was a loan, then say, “I had always intended it as a loan. I definitely can’t afford to just give away a laptop!”
Since your manager seems to have the impression that she now gets to be involved in this too, I’d loop her in as well — “Just FYI, it’s now been a year and I can’t continue to keep my personal laptop loaned out, so I’m letting Jane know I’ll need it back by (date).”
From there, it’s up to your company to figure out how to provide your coworker with a computer. But it doesn’t get to commandeer yours just because you were nice enough to do everyone involved a favor. You get to decide what you’re offering and for how long, and a year is already way above and beyond.
4. My employee with COVID is making herself sicker
I am the owner of a small retail business. Our physical location is currently closed but there’s plenty of work we can do from home. My main commitment is to making sure my staff (three part-time casual employees) don’t lose out at all, so they’ve all been getting their normal wages regardless.
One of my employees caught coronavirus about a month ago. (For context, I worked in the store before I took over so we are very close friends — not an ideal management relationship, I know.) They had a fairly mild case, although obviously it’s still miserable. My problem is that they are hampering their own recovery. They text me to say they’re pushing themselves to go for walks and get dressed every day and then feel worse the next day. I could really do with them working again. If they were just flat-out ill all this time, I wouldn’t mind, but they seem to be sabotaging their own recovery. It’s frustrating to witness, both as a friend and as a manager who could really do with more help!
Is there anything I can say in this situation or do I just have to let it go until they are recovered?
Since they keep updating you, I don’t think it’s overstepping to say, “I’d much rather you stop pushing yourself since it sounds like it’s making your recovery take longer — which is bad for you as a person and bad for us a business. Please just rest until you’re better.” Frankly, I even think you could say, “Please consider the wages we’re paying you right now to be payment for resting and taking care of yourself. You’re not doing us or yourself any favors by pushing things and making yourself sicker.”
5. Using my work Zoom account for a job interview
I’ve begun applying a new job, and many of the places I’m looking say they’re conducting interviews via Zoom or similar video-conferencing platforms. I have a Zoom account through my current employer. Is it bad form to use that account (and thus my current work email) for interviews?
Yes. Set up your own personal Zoom account that isn’t connected to your work email. (For the same reasons that you wouldn’t apply to jobs using your work email; it looks tacky to use your employer’s resources to hunt for a new job.)
I saw my coworkers’ private messages mocking my weight, my coworker has permanently borrowed my laptop, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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