It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. I sacrificed for my boyfriend’s business — and I might get nothing
In early 2010, I started to date my boyfriend who owned a small business. Two years later, I decided to “partner” with him to expand/re-design his business. I brought lots of knowledge and unlimited hours of work, which “paid off” because the business is successful. However, I’ve always been really under-compensated. I asked my partner/boyfriend to be paid as a full-time employee or to do all the legal paperwork to be recognized as a business partner (right now it is a sole proprietorship under his name). To that date, nothing has been done, just promises and a slight increase of salary.
Three years ago, I discovered that he had an affair while overseas. We did some couples counseling without success. Now, both work and love relationship are really getting out of hand. He is really good at manipulating me. I recently caught a text to the woman he had an affair with saying he couldn’t wait to sell the business, move, and retire with her. I’m in my fifties, and I’ve spent all my savings to pay my bills while developing this business which was a dream of mine, a true passion. I would have never imagined I could be in this current situation.
What are my options at this point? Lawsuit? Business and couples counseling? Walk away with nothing and be homeless? Any other ideas?
First, that’s not a woman he had an affair with. That’s almost certainly a woman he is currently having an affair with, based on what he wrote in the message you saw.
You have put in eight years of hard work to build your boyfriend’s business, while he under-pays you, doesn’t follow through on promises to more equitably recognize your work, avoids giving you any financial stake in the success you’ve contributed to, and cheats on you.
He plans to sell the business you’ve helped build and retire with another woman.
This isn’t someone to go to counseling with. This is someone who’s comfortable enriching himself at your expense (all your savings! this is horrible) while deceiving you. He does not have integrity, he isn’t trustworthy, and you cannot salvage this with counseling.
Talk to a lawyer immediately (without telling him you’re doing that) and see what your options are. I’m sorry.
2. Should I rent from my boss to escape Covid?
I know you’ve advised past letter-writers not to rent from their bosses, but I’m wondering if your advice would be any different given the current state of the world. I am a young professional in a large city and cannot afford to live without roommates. My current roommate does not “believe in” Covid-19 despite us living in a current hotspot and there is a constant stream of people through the house, despite my best efforts. Overall, it is not safe and is extremely anxiety-producing for me.
I mentioned this in passing to my grandboss, who offered up her in-law cottage for a below-market rate. My lease is almost up and I am really tempted to take it. She is truly great and I feel like we could maintain boundaries (it’s a detached property, she is not my direct supervisor, I am a model tenant) but I wonder if that’s just my desperation speaking. I will almost certainly not be able to find another place that I can afford without roommates, and I don’t want to gamble my health on a stranger’s willingness to stay home. If it makes a difference, I am currently working from home but will have to go back to interacting with the public at some point in the near future. Am I crazy for considering this? If I do decide to rent from her, what conversations do we need to have?
I do think this is different because of our current context. Under normal circumstances, I’d strongly advise against renting from a boss or even a coworker, because there’s too much risk of something going wrong that will affect you at work and/or home. For example, if you have a dispute about rent or repairs or noise, will that really not bleed into work? But right now, the calculus is different. This is someone throwing you a lifeline to help you get out of an unsafe situation. (It also helps that she’s not your direct manager.)
If you were just doing this because it was easy and it saved you from having to find a place on your own, I’d tell you not to be tempted by easy and instead deal with the hassle of finding a different place. But you don’t think you’ll be able to afford another place without roommates, and right now roommates you don’t know well are a gamble. It’s okay to take the lifeline your boss’s boss is offering.
As for conversations to have, I’d make sure the lease is clear (and real, not an informal understanding) and ask what issues have come up with past tenants, if any. Say you want to be careful to navigate this in a way that doesn’t cause any weirdness for her or others at work, and ask if she has thoughts on that.
One thing to be aware of is the potential appearance of bias or special treatment. For example, your coworkers might wonder whether, if your team has to lay people off, your role would be protected because of the relationship, or even because she wants you to keep being able to pay rent. There might not be anything you can do about that — and again, I think the current context outweighs that concern for now — but it’s good to be aware of.
3. Why don’t people mute themselves on conference calls?
Why can’t people figure out the mute function on video/conference calls?
That’s it. That’s the question. Probably borne of frustration because I am currently on a call where we’ve been reminded to mute ourselves no less than five times and someone is STILL not muted and is typing furiously.
It’s a mystery for the ages! No one knows.
If I had to guess, I’d say that people often assume generalized announcements — ones made to a whole group, rather than directed to a specific person by name — don’t apply to them. They figure that they’re competent and so of course they’ve already muted themselves, and thus don’t bother to check. Still, you’d think that after the third or fourth reminder on the same call, they’d take a look.
(That reminds me of this excellent account of a conference call where the very person who kept reminding everyone to mute themselves had forgotten to mute herself … which everyone learned when she started insulting the presenter to someone in her house.)
4. Is it age discrimination to keep an older team member from traveling to client sites this summer?
I have a small business and we have mostly virtual-work-from-anywhere for office work, and typically would meet with clients at their sites fairly frequently. This transition to virtual client meetings has been good for most.
A new project is beginning soon and getting it started will require travel to the site. We’ve made all the virtual accommodations we can, but our regulating agencies require us to conduct several on-site visits and meetings. Each attendee can attend individually and the site will be outside at the beginning, so distancing precautions can be taken. But the team member we had planned to lead these site visits, AwesomeGuy, is 70+ years old with some other risk factors for COVID-19 and I definitively do not want him to be out at the project, considering all the travel related to getting there and back. Also, the folks in the town around our project site are likely more of the variety of masks=civil rights violations rather than masks=basic human decency in public.
We have a back-up plan to get these meetings and inspections covered, and AwesomeGuy can easily be in touch with the on-site project team with phone and email to manage and give guidance.
Are we in any sort of age discrimination territory with this decision? I can’t bear the thought of sending him out to that site, even if it is. I do think he would agree with this plan, in case that makes a difference. I know he and his wife have very much embraced a stay-at-home plan these last few months.
It would be age discrimination if you decide on your own to remove the work from him because of fears about his risk — but not if you talk to him and jointly agree to that plan, which it sounds like you’d be doing. (This will probably get more intuitive if you imagine an employer deciding on its own that a disabled person can’t have a high-profile project because of worries about them getting injured. It’s the same principle here — the law doesn’t want you deciding to yank a project on your own, but it’s okay to agree to it if the person with the disability wants that change.)
So if he says no, he still wants to lead the site visits, you can’t legally prohibit him on the basis of his age, but if he’s onboard with not going, you would be fine!
5. How do you handle being furloughed when applying for other jobs?
I was furloughed through the end of June due to COVID-19, and am working to update my resume and apply for other jobs in the meantime. As I was working to pull together my cover letter and resume, I realized I’m not sure if this is information to share when applying, or after they reach out for an interview.
Do I mention being furloughed in my cover letter? How do I handle my current employer on my resume? I’m technically still employed, so it feels wrong to show an end date for my current employer, but it also doesn’t seem correct saying “to present” when I’m currently not working and would be available immediately for a new position. Also, if it matters, I have only been with my current employer for about six months prior to being furloughed.
You don’t need to announce that you’re furloughed, but you also don’t need to hide it. If it comes up, you should be straightforward about it, but you also don’t need to make a special announcement when you sit down for the interview.
Resume-wise, if your employer says they still consider you employed, then it’s fine to go with that (as long as they’d confirm that in a reference or background check). If you feel weird about listing the job as current, you can list it like this:
* Cocoa Stirrer, Beverage Oceanarium, June 2018 – present (currently on furlough)
You don’t need to mention the furlough in your cover letter. Normally I’d say that since you’ve only been at this job six months, it might make sense to mention it as context for why you’re searching, but no one really needs context for job searching these days; it’s generally understood that everything is unstable.
I sacrificed for my boyfriend’s business and might get nothing, renting a house from my boss, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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