It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. Can I wear a collar now that we’re on video?
In my personal life, I sometimes wear a collar as part of my fun relationship with my partner. It is a narrow leather band with a small metal ring on it, kind of like this. I’m a teacher and have to look respectable so I never wear it to school. But during distance learning, I’ve been wearing it 24/7 — I figure nobody’s looking closely enough over video chat to notice that it’s not just a necklace or a ribbon or the collar of my shirt. Even if they did notice and wonder, they probably wouldn’t be able to tell for sure. Do you think this is okay?
I’d love to tell you yes, but as a teacher? I really wouldn’t risk it. Teachers are scrutinized and held to ridiculous standards and restrictions on their behavior that no other professional is held to. Teachers have been fired just for being social media photographs where they have a drink in their hands.
If one of your students looks closely enough to suspect it’s a collar, it could end up being something that interrupts your career. And even if it’s not that bad, you do not want students speculating on its meaning. There’s a reason you don’t wear it to school.
2. Should I keep correcting clients who call me “Mrs.”?
I work in a large state institution where I frequently see many of the same clients over and over again — think something like social worker, where you aren’t dealing with the public per se, but you’re seeing lots of different people, sometimes on an indefinite basis, and the relationship is somewhat formal. Also like a social worker, I’m seeing people who are of various socio-economic backgrounds, customs, and cultures.
The problem I’m running into is that people (mostly clients, but occasionally coworkers) frequently refer to me as “Mrs. Smith” when I am a “Ms.” I got married a few weeks before I started this job, so no one here ever knew me when I was single, and I never changed my name anyway. Because I clearly am married, it makes sense for people to initially assume that I am Mrs. Smith, and I usually politely correct them the first time. But it happens repeatedly with the same people. I know some of this probably comes to cultural differences — once, when I corrected someone, we had a lengthy conversation in which it became clear that he basically wasn’t aware that it was an “option” to not change your name after marriage. We also are in a pretty conservative state, and not changing your name after marriage isn’t rare, but it isn’t the norm either.
Due to the nature of my job, it isn’t possible to allow clients to call me by my first name, and the workplace culture is such that most of us don’t use first names either unless they’re your direct superior. I feel like I should only have to correct someone once, but “should” doesn’t really mean anything in real life. Should I let this go? I find it frustrating, but I can’t really put my finger on why. Am I making too big of a deal out of this?
It’s a question that only you can answer, because it depends on how strongly you feel.
I personally feel very strongly about using Ms. rather than Mrs. I find it bizarre when people default to Mrs. for women who they assume are married since (a) so many women don’t use it and (b) women who don’t use it generally don’t use it for a reason — that reason being that they don’t care to be addressed by their marital status, just as men aren’t. But I also wouldn’t make a big deal about it with clients who seemed internally wired to use Mrs. I would make a big deal about it with family members or other people close to me, and with companies that don’t offer Ms. an option, and probably with anyone who I sensed was using Mrs. with some kind of agenda. But clients who you’re serving in the kind of context you described? Eh. I’d correct them once, and let it go it happened after that.
But that’s me, and you might feel differently! If you do, you can keep correcting people each time — “Oh, it’s Ms. Plufferton, not Mrs.!” And who knows, maybe you’ll get to educate more people like the guy you mentioned who didn’t even understand what Ms. is. But it’s your call about whether it’s a battle you want to fight in this particular context. There also might be a question about whether continually correcting someone has a negative impact on the dynamic you want to have with them … but that might be counterbalanced by your interest in fighting the good fight on this, which I think is legit given that we’re talking about entrenched sexism.
And for the record, since some people still don’t understand: Ms. reveals nothing about marital status and that’s the point. It doesn’t indicate you’re divorced or a harlot or anything other than that you identify as female. It’s the female equivalent of Mr., nothing more and nothing less; it allows women the same ability that men have always had — to be identified without their marital status being a defining characteristic.
3. I was promised a promotion pre-COVID — will it still happen?
In February, my boss told me I would be getting promoted in June. The promotion is not a true job change, but rather one where my coworkers who have been in the role longer have better titles and (presumably) make more money than I do, so the promotion is a recognition that I have been doing the job long enough and am good enough at it that I merit the title and money bump.
Well, in February the world sure looked different than it does now in June! My company isn’t at risk of going under and it hasn’t done layoffs yet, but layoffs in the plant may be in the near future if the order rate doesn’t pick up very soon. My boss and I haven’t discussed the promotion since he told me about it; I work very independently and of course we haven’t been in the office together in months.
It feels like it would be really tone deaf to ask about getting more money and a better title when my company will be deciding whether to lay off people in the very near future. (I’m part of the office staff, which seem to be safe from the layoff discussions.) On the other hand, I worry I’m not advocating for myself enough — I mean, they told me I was getting this promotion, so it’s not like I’m just demanding more money out of nowhere during a recession. On the third hand, I feel like my work quality hasn’t been as good during quarantine as during normal times, so I feel a bit presumptuous asking about a promotion (although my boss hasn’t indicated anything negative about my work during quarantine; this is my own evaluation). How would you advise me to approach it?
You should ask about it, because the last you heard it was happening. At the same time, though, you’re right that you don’t want to sound oblivious to the fact that things may be different now. I’d word it this way: “You’d told me in February that I’d be getting promoted in June. I wasn’t sure if that was still slated to happen, given what’s gone on the last few months, so I wanted to check in with you about it.”
4. New job wants me to start getting certifications before I’ve even started
I just accepted a job offer for a job that requires that I complete a series of online software certifications. However, after accepting the offer, it’s now been communicated to me that they would like me to start working on these certifications immediately, even though my start date is three weeks away. They didn’t say specifically that they want me to get to a certain point before my start date, just that it would be better if I did.
Is this allowed? I don’t have time (nor am I willing to spend time) to work on extra stuff for a job that I haven’t started yet when I’m still working full time at my old job. Is it okay for me to push back on this or should I just not say anything and just not do it? Or should I suck it up and do it anyway?
It should be perfectly fine to say, “I’m working at my old job right up until I start with you so I won’t have any time to work on the certifications before then, but I’m looking forward to tackling them as soon as I start!”
(I’m assuming the offer wasn’t contingent on you already having specific certifications in place, of course. If it was something more like, “We’d normally only offer this job to someone certified in X and Y; would you be able to get those before you start?” then that’s a different situation than if they sprung this on you post-hire.)
If they push back, I’d try to get a better sense of why. If it’s something like “we’re going to need you to work on X immediately and we have a project with a hard deadline we can’t move,” I’d be more willing to try to accommodate them, if it’s something you can realistically do.
5. I’ve been contacted about the same job opening for three years
I’m getting a bit frustrated because a company I interviewed with three years ago still hasn’t filled the position. Over the past three years, I’ve been contacted at least 15 times by different recruiters (from agencies) asking if I’m interested in this position. I contact them back and ask “is it with ____?” and if they say yes, I tell them how many times I’ve been contacted regarding this position. Is there anything I can do to stop being contacted, or will the company keep this vacancy open forever?
There isn’t really anything you can do to get it to stop. Because these are all different external recruiters and not the company itself, there’s no centralized list of candidates not to contact. The recruiters may not even have a contract with the hiring company (sometimes recruiters will send over candidates to try to entice a company to work with them, without any formal arrangement in place). It’s possible you’ll continue to be contacted about this job for all the rest of your working years! It’s unkillable, like a 1950’s movie monster.
can I wear a collar on video calls, correcting clients who call me “Mrs.” and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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