It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. Coworker swears angrily during the day
My cubicle is next to a person who swears a LOT during the work day. I assume it’s frustration with his computer, but a least a couple times an hour I’ll hear an onslaught of expletives coming from his cubicle. To be honest, it’s pretty disconcerting to hear and it’s also really distracting. Otherwise, he’s a great person to work with but I’m not sure how to approach this.
It sounds like the anger and hostility might be a bigger problem than the profanity itself. It’s jarring to hear angry outbursts throughout the day. That’s not cool to do at work — and a couple of times an hour is really over the top. (And really, what is going on with his computer?)
He might not even realize you can hear him, or he might not realize how frequent it’s become, or what it sounds like to someone trying to focus on work. If he’s a decent guy, he’ll rein it in once you tell him.
I’d say it this way: “Cecil, could you tone the language down? It’s pretty jarring to hear it so constantly.”
2. Employer sent me three pages of rudimentary interview tips
I recently was invited for a final round interview and a week before, I received an email from the internal recruiter. The email was basically a three-page document about the interview — what to do (including remembering to smile), what not to do, and how they’d like their questions answered. It was so long that the recruiter even included a TLDR at the top!
It’s not that I don’t appreciate the guidance and advice, but this feels like a huge red flag and I worry this shows a theme of micromanagement and poor communication. However, since I’m switching industries, I’m not sure if this is common practice or not. Have you ever heard of something like this? Am I overreacting?
Some external recruiters do this (because they want to ensure you make a good impression on your client, because it reflects on them), but it’s less common to have an internal recruiter do it. That said, there’s a school of thought that not everyone gets the same interview prep guidance from school, family, mentors, etc. and so, especially at more junior levels, providing some guidance to everyone can even the playing field a bit. It’s odder if you’re at senior level though.
I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag on its own. If you see other signs that they’re controlling or infantilizing, pay attention to the pattern — but this on its own isn’t a huge deal.
3. Coworkers keep asking me for special favors for their families
I just started working in an industry where people are able to ask for special treatment for family members and friends (think: traffic tickets).
Being new, I’ve only been approached a few times so far, but I’m extremely uncomfortable with this. Growing up, neither I nor my family members had access to any kind of network like this, and I got where I am today without knowing anybody in the industry or asking for any favors. I also don’t think I, or anyone I’m close with, is owed special treatment, so when a colleague asks me to do a favor for their cousin, I’m tempted to ask, “How is it fair that I should treat your cousin better than I would anyone else?” But I also don’t want to burn any bridges or come across as unreasonable, as I’m very solidly part of a minority in this industry. I spoke with a friend, who works in a different industry that also has this problem, and he said, “That’s just how it’s done.”
I’m already frustrated with the practice and it’s only going to get worse the longer I have this job. Is this something I’ll just have to get used to, or is there a way to say that, out of fairness to everyone, I won’t be doing anyone’s family member any favors, as I won’t be asking for favors on behalf of my own family members? It’s just another way to perpetuate inequality, in my opinion, but I seem to be the only one at my workplace who finds this practice really irritating, and 95% of the time my supervisor tells me to do whatever the person is asking.
I fully agree with you that this kind of thing perpetuates inequality. Whether or not you can take a stand against it without having it impact you professionally is an answer I can’t give you — but your manager probably can, because she knows the culture and the players. So talk to her, explain your concerns, and tell her you’d like to have a “no personal favors” policy (and won’t ask for any yourself). You can still take a stand regardless of her response if you decide to — I just want you going into it with your eyes open.
4. Going back to work with a hair-pulling disorder
A couple of months ago, I snagged a job doing really impactful work for an amazing company. I love my team so much and feel really proud of what we accomplish. My first day was about a week after we began working from home due to COVID-19, so I have yet to actually see any of them in person.
For my whole life, I’ve dealt with anxiety/depression, which often manifests itself as trichotillomania (otherwise known as “hair-pulling disorder,” a constant and uncontrollable urge to pull at your hair). Normally, it’s centralized to one part of my head, which I’m able to cover up so that it looks less obvious. However, with recent events and some heartbreaking losses I’ve experienced in my circle of friends and family, my anxiety/depression levels have skyrocketed and my habit got out of control. I’m seeing a therapist about it and am trying really hard to stop, but although I’ve been doing better, I am left with a pretty large bald spot in the back of my head that’s larger than it’s ever been and definitely cannot be covered up.
My company just announced that we’ll be going back to work soon, and I feel sick at the thought of of facing my colleagues and having to answer their questions or stares. They’re all very friendly and I’m sure they’ll be polite and understanding about it (unlike others I know who don’t seem to understand that it’s involuntary and uncontrollable without therapy and/or medication), but there’s no way they won’t notice, and I know I’ll constantly be looking for ways to not have to turn the back of my head to people. Do you have any advice on how to face this when I get back? Do I give people a heads-up (pun maybe intended?) from the get-go, or do I just wait and constantly have to sit with the unacknowledged observation others are making?
Do what will make you feel the most comfortable! You definitely don’t need to preemptively say anything if you’d be doing that for other people’s comfort, but if would make you feel better, you could matter-of-factly say, “My hair looks strange in the back, it’s a medical thing, it’s being treated.”
But you could also say nothing if you prefer! If anyone asks, you could say, “Yep, medical thing, getting it treated.” People will take cues from you, so if you’re matter-of-fact and breezy, it’s not going to be a big deal. (And if anyone is rude enough to push for details: “Just a health thing I don’t want to get into, but it’s nothing to worry about.”)
5. Company canceled performance reviews
Normally at my company, we have performance reviews in May with a small cost-of-living raise that follows. Due to COVID-19 and the financial disruption it has caused, my company isn’t doing raises or promotions for at least the next year. They recently announced that all employees will be taking pay cuts in addition to no raises. Prior to the pandemic, my boss gave me a heads-up that I would be getting a promotion and raise this May, so that is no longer happening. While none of this is great news, it makes sense and I know a lot of companies are in a similar boat right now.
The thing that surprised me, though, is that upper management announced we’re not doing performance reviews at all this year. I understand the company wouldn’t be able to promote anyone or raise wages based on a positive review, but canceling the reviews themselves doesn’t save additional funds – so why not do reviews anyway? To be honest, I feel a little cheated – because I expected a positive review, I’m disappointed that I won’t even receive positive feedback from my boss. My boss is a nice person but a stoic manager – she hardly gives feedback of any kind throughout the rest of the year and she’s not the type of person who says “thank you” for a job well done, other than during our annual reviews. I’m feeling hurt that I won’t get a simple “well done” during a review, especially now when I’ve taken on many extra responsibilities due to the pandemic. It also irked me because my boss said that she’ll soon be sending out an email requesting positive feedback from us in lieu of her getting a review from her boss this year. That hardly seems fair to me – we’re supposed to praise her but not receive any feedback ourselves. (I don’t think it would be acceptable for me to ask for positive feedback about myself like she did, even if I did feel comfortable doing it.)
I am grateful to have a job right now and I want to keep this in perspective. Am I overreacting?
Doing formal performance reviews well takes huge amount of time and energy. It’s possible your company figures people’s plates are already overflowing from the current situation and doesn’t want to add to that. Or they might not want to formally evaluate people during a time when many people’s performance isn’t normal. So I don’t think it’s an awful decision — although ideally they’d still have people do a shorter, less burdensome (and possibly less formal) process because it’s still important to ensure managers are giving feedback, people know where they stand, goals are set for the coming year, etc.
But there’s no reason you can’t ask your manager to talk about how things are going, just without doing a formal review. You could say, “Since we’re not doing formal reviews this year, could we set aside time at our next check-in to talk about how things are going? I’m hoping to get your feedback on what’s going well, where I could do better, and what to focus on over the next year.”
If she misunderstands and thinks you’re asking for a review, say, “I’m just hoping for an informal conversation because it’s important to me to know how I’m doing and make sure we’re aligned about where I should be focusing.”
colleagues want favors for their families, coworker has profane outbursts, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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