It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. I accidentally brought up a painful subject for my interviewer
I brought up a subject I definitely shouldn’t have in an interview I just had, and I am not sure how to apologize/recover.
During the interview I had today, I was asked to talk about a “bad decision,” how I came to make that decision, and how I overcame it. They mentioned that this decision should be from my personal life, but I was told that I didn’t have to share what that decision was.
Before I began responding, I mentioned that it’s difficult to explain my answer without sharing the situation, which was making the decision to put my dog down and the thin line between putting her down too soon and waiting too long out of selfishness.
After a couple minutes of talking about this, the executive director cut me off and asked that we move on because her dog had died this morning! I, of course, apologized profusely and she acknowledged that there was no way I could have known, but it definitely threw me off.
Do I mention and apologize for this in my thank-you email or pretend like it didn’t happen? What would I even say? Help! This is a great job and other than that the interview went really well.
They asked an inappropriate and frankly terrible question. Bad decisions from your personal life have zero place in a job interview and are guaranteed to make candidates really uncomfortable. No one would prepare for that kind of question, and having to come up with an interview-appropriate answer on the spot — one that doesn’t violate your privacy — would throw most people for a loop. The instruction that you didn’t have to share what the decision was feels like an attempted nod to your privacy, but I don’t know how you’d talk about it effectively without sharing that info.
It’s a bad question and, no surprise, it hit on something painful for someone in the room. That’s not your fault. It’s their fault for asking the question.
I don’t think you need to mention it in your note, and you definitely don’t have anything to apologize for. If you want to, you could say, “And I’m so sorry about your dog” … but I think you’re better off leaving the question and the answer behind you.
2. Will being associated with a yelling boss hurt my reputation?
I work in an agency that places heavy emphasis on employee reputation, and that reputation can be built through the years or be created in a flash. Behavior matters.
I’m a mid-level manger in this agency and my boss is higher mid-level, approaching senior. And, unfortunately, he is a yeller. He yells on the phone most often and sometimes I am on these conference calls with him. These calls can be with vendors, contractors, or other colleagues at our headquarters—all may evoke a yelling spell.
I am growing increasingly concerned that his poor behavior is reflecting on me and going to impact my relationships with a range of people, that the tone he sets may be perceived as being one I share/support.
Advice? I thought about calling my colleagues to apologize after one such a phone incident, but I do not want that to come across as going behind my boss’ back. He isn’t a bad person and makes good points, but his communication is atrocious. He is aware of it to an extent and even apologizes to me sometimes after hanging up the phone, but he keeps doing it.
As long as you’re polite and professional, people aren’t likely to think you endorse your boss’s behavior. If you’re a jerk too, then yes — they’ll think you’re both cut from the same cloth. But as long as you’re polite or, better yet, actively kind, they’re not going to think you condone it. They’re more likely to figure you’re embarrassed by him, since most people would be, and/or feel sorry for you having to work closely with someone who can’t control himself.
I think you’re right not to call people back and apologize on his behalf. You’re not the one with anything to apologize for, and you’re not responsible for the behavior of someone above you. Besides, just being scrupulously kind will convey all the distancing in the world from him.
However, there might be some room to nudge your boss on it. When he apologizes to you after hanging up the phone, you might be able to say, “I’m fine, but would it make sense to tell them that? I think they were taken aback when you yelled.”
3. Manager asks if I’m feeling okay when I don’t wear makeup
Since the virus made my work remote, we have a lot of video conferencing. I’ve noticed that whenever I’m on with one particular person to whom I report and I’m not wearing makeup, he’ll ask if I’m feeling alright, if I’m sick, etc. He doesn’t say anything if I’m wearing makeup. I brush it off with, “Nope, I’m fine. So, what did you think of our discussion with so-and-so?” but he’ll often follow up with “Are you sure?” or even a check-in call later to make sure I’m okay.
I’ve started just doing full makeup every time I have a video call with him, but frankly I’m home and these are just internal video calls and I’d really prefer not to feel awkward for looking like myself on camera. Should I say anything?
Yes! Don’t wear makeup if you don’t want to wear makeup. If he comments again, say in a genuinely curious tone, “You’ve asked me that a bunch of times! What am I doing that makes you think I’m not feeling okay?” Then, depending on his answer, you can say, “I’ll let you know if I’m ever not feeling okay, but otherwise, this is just my face.” Or, if you prefer: “I’ve noticed you ask it on days when I’m not wearing makeup. This is just my normal face without makeup.”
4. How to use a personal recommendation for a job
I’m applying to a position that I’m very excited about. The person who had that job previously was a friendly acquaintance of mine and recommended me to her boss.
I’m not sure how much to lean into that recommendation. Should I mention it in my cover letter? List her as a reference? We had collaborated on some projects, but there are people who know my work better.
Unless you’ve worked with her before and she can speak to your work with some nuance, it wouldn’t make sense to list her as a reference. But you should mention her in the opening to your cover letter — something like, “Lucinda Warbleworth recommended that I apply for your X opening.” If you can say why, that’s even better — like, “Lucinda Warbleworth recommended that I apply for your X opening because of my enthusiasm for walruses and experience with their care.”
5. Discussing a weekly therapy appointment with a new boss
I attend weekly therapy appointments on Friday mornings. In a pre-COVID world, these appointments had me coming to the office around 10 am. This was approved by my then-boss, and this arrangement has worked well for almost two years. I am a salaried, exempt employee, and there isn’t a PTO question involved with this.
I have a new boss starting and wasn’t sure how to approach this with them. I am currently seeing my therapist virtually but hope to go back to in-person meetings as soon as I can. Do you have any scripts for how I should address this? Make it look like a new request? Ask if she is okay with me continuing the arrangement?
Don’t make it look like a new request! If she ever realized it wasn’t new, that would look very odd and there’s no reason for it.
In fact, it’s better to just present it as The Way Things Are: “I have a standing medical appointment every Friday morning, so I’m in slightly later on those days, usually around 10 am.”
I brought up a painful subject for my interviewer, will my yelling boss reflect badly on me, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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