It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. Telling friends at work I don’t want to talk about dieting
Personally, I think diets belong in the list of things you shouldn’t discuss at work. I have a history of disordered eating and, while my relationship with food and exercise is mostly healthy now, this topic of conversation makes me wildly uncomfortable still. I, of course, have had to dodge conversations about diets my entire life – why are so many people so obsessed with talking about this? But, lately, I am having a harder time because I have two coworkers who are suddenly very comfortable talking with me about their diets and body loathing and food shame.
One, Sandra, is very chatty in general and doesn’t seem to notice when people are too busy to chat. I don’t really mind her, but she drives my coworkers crazy. She is on a new diet and I know far too much about it because she has this way of trapping me in my office to talk with me about it. The other, Debbie, is amazing – she is one of my best friends. Debbie knows that I have a history of disordered eating, but I am not particularly open about past traumas or my mental health (that’s an understatement – I am very closed off and prefer to keep things light). This one is trickier for me because I care about Debbie and our friendship. I know she has struggled with her weight her whole life and she is frustrated with her own relationship with food. I want to be supportive, but I also want to take this topic off the table. I’d be happy to go for a hike with her or cook together or something food and exercise adjacent.
How do I politely get out of these conversations? I think I need help with a script to shut it down – especially with Sandra, but also with Debbie. Sadly, Sandra and Debbie don’t like each other or else I’d happily just tell them they should talk with each other.
I get so many letters like yours! As unhealthy and as loaded of a topic as diet talk can be, it’s almost like the weather in how easily people default to talking about it. And it’s one thing if people want to obsess over diet with other consenting adults, but they really need to be highly attuned to cues that it’s unwelcome otherwise — especially at work. (And yet they almost never are!)
In any case, for Sandra: “I’ve found it’s healthier for me not to talk about food or diets. I’m always happy to chat with you, but I’ve got a ban on diet talk right now.” Or, “I’ve made a vow to stop the diet talk! What else is going on with you?”
You could use the same language with Debbie, but since she’s your best friend, there’s room to share more if you want to. You could say, for example, “I want to support you, but I’ve found diet talk is really bad for me, given my history. I’d be happy to go for a hike with you or cook together, but I can’t do the diet talk. I hope you understand!”
2. What questions should I ask an external recruiter in a job interview?
I’m often in a position where I’m doing a phone screen with an external recruiter —someone who doesn’t work for the company they’re interviewing me for. In these scenarios, I’ve struggled quite a bit to come up with appropriate questions to ask. Most of my go-to questions (biggest challenges for the person in the role, who had it previously and where they went, how they’d describe the culture) wouldn’t go to someone external, and I often get told, “Oh, that’s better to ask the hiring manager.”
Duh, I know that. But of course, it’s important to do due diligence and have questions prepared. What kinds of questions are appropriate to ask someone external, and how can I seem thoughtful and prepared without asking questions that are too specific for that person to answer?
Yeah, anything nuanced about the job or the culture is usually better saved for internal people. Most of what you ask an external recruiter about the job itself usually needs to be pretty basic, like “What are the most important things you’re seeking in this role?” They’re also usually equipped to answer anything logistical — like the likely timeline for making a hire and questions about what the process looks like from here. Also, sometimes you can use the fact that they’re external to your advantage and ask things like, “Is there anything about my background that you think doesn’t match up as well with what they’re looking for?” and “Do you know why the position has been open so long?” (Not that you can’t ask those questions of the hiring manager too — you can — but sometimes an outsider will have an interesting perspective or will be more candid.)
3. My coworker throws tantrums and women have to soothe him
My organization is currently doing a total overhaul to a new software system. There are two administrators for this software, a man (Robin) and a woman (Katie). Previously, there was a different woman (Sally) and the same man, but Sally left for another job and Katie was an internal hire (and I believe Sally and Katie have a friendly relationship outside of the office so I’m sure they discussed the role in depth before she applied). I work in a different department, but I am seated near them so I can see and hear them all day. It’s been a very complex operation, and sometimes I observe Robin getting frustrated and, honestly, he resembles a petulant child when he does. Like, kicking his legs and whining. A less generous person might call it a tantrum.
With both Sally and Katie, I have observed them speaking very softly and gently to him to calm him down, like how a parent would to a child; I have never observed him cool off on his own. Frankly, I strongly suspect that this would not be the case if the other person in his role were a man, and these female administrators have their own jobs to do, which don’t include being his mommy. Robin is an otherwise pleasant person, but it comes across as unprofessional and distracting.
Is this worth saying something about, or is it none of my business if neither Katie nor Sally have complained (to my knowledge)? It seems like a stretch to go to their boss because I’m a pretty junior employee and their direct supervisor is a senior director, but I was considering bringing it up with my manager (another senior director). I was thinking I might wait until it inevitably happened in front of her and asking privately if it seemed odd to her, noting that it happens pretty often.
How junior or senior are you to Robin and Katie? If you’re peer-level or senior to Robin, you could say something right in the moment! You could walk over there and say, “Robin, what you’re doing is very distracting. Could you rein it in?” You could also privately mention to Katie that you see her managing Robin’s tantrums a lot and ask what’s going on. It might help her to get some external reinforcement that this is weird and messed up — and you could tell her you don’t think she should have to manage his emotions and behavior like that.
If you’re junior to them, these aren’t good options. In that case, yes, I’d mention it to your own manager after it happens in front of her. Tell her it happens a lot and you’ve noticed Robin seems to lean on female colleagues to manage his emotions for him, and ask if it seems strange to her. That way, if she’s someone who would be inclined to intervene in some way, she’s got a nudge to do it.
Otherwise, though, because you’re pretty removed from it, I’d leave it to Katie to handle.
4. What’s the best timing for messaging laid-off colleagues?
I have a question about the appropriate way to engage with people who have been laid off or let go. I work for a creative agency, so my question applies to both coworkers and clients. Obviously, there are far more layoffs happening right now, and I want to make sure I’m responding in the right way.
For both coworkers and clients, I have been reaching out as soon as I hear the news about the layoff (usually via LinkedIn, since their email addresses are often suspended as part of the layoff) with a brief private message to say that I’m sorry to hear the news, have enjoyed working with them, and very much hope we’ll work together in future. (The message is personalized with specifics about what I most appreciated about working with them, etc.)
Is that the right approach? Or should I be waiting a week or two before reaching out? I recently came across a LinkedIn posting from one laid-off colleague that suggested they were still reeling from the layoff three weeks after it happened, which made me feel as though sending a message right away might be too much too soon.
I think you’re fine either way. I wouldn’t do it in, say, the same hour as their layoff, because at that point they may not even process your message, and you might be adding to an already overwhelming situation. But later that day or that week are all fine. While it’s true that people can still be reeling weeks later, that doesn’t mean you can’t contact them earlier (and certainly no one wants to be sitting around a few days after their layoff and have heard nothing from anyone).
Also, your messages sound perfect.
5. Can I suggest a client work with me directly when I leave my contracting firm?
For the past few years, I have worked as a freelancer to supplement my stipend while in graduate school. Most of my freelance work has been through a firm, in which clients contact the manager, who puts them in contact with freelancers. Clients pay the firm and the firm pays me, but it is 1099 work. I don’t have a formal contract with the firm, though on the client side, they make it look like we are regular employees. I am not under any sort of contract or non-compete agreement, and the head of the firm has behaved sketchily in the past (not paying me for several months past work done and blaming his accountant, claiming to temporarily shut down operations to avoid giving me more work because of a perceived slight).
I have now graduated and found a job, and I am planning to stop working for the firm and cut back my other freelancing to an occasional project that interests me. I have one remaining client at the firm who I will finish my work with and then accept no more clients. I have been working with this client for almost the entirety of my time at the firm and she is wonderful. I would like to tell her that I am not planning to work for the firm because of my new job, but that I would love to continue working with her on future projects if she wants to work with me directly. I will not mention any of the problems in the firm, nor will I reach out to any other clients from the firm. On the one hand, this feels unethical. On the other, I am not under any agreements with the firm, and given both the sketchy behavior of the firm head, I don’t feel as much of a strong sense of loyalty.
It’s not unethical. You didn’t sign a non-compete agreement. You’re free to let her know you’re moving on but still available if she wants to keep working with you directly. Then it’s up to her to decide if she wants to do that. You’re both free agents, with no agreements (written or otherwise) to the contrary.
This would be true even if your current firm weren’t sketchy, but you should especially have no qualms since they are. (Shutting down operations to avoid giving you work because of a perceived slight?!)
my coworker throws tantrums and women have to soothe him, questions to ask an external recruiter, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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