It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. I’m my boss’s favorite and it’s awkward
I have been at my job for two years and have a difficult, narcissist boss. However, he and I usually get along pretty well and he definitely realizes I am a valuable asset to our growing office. I was employee #3 and we have since hired five others. My coworkers are a talented bunch. However, my boss does not do a great job at spreading the compliments and appreciation around. I get a disproportionate amount of praise. I notice it and so does everyone else. It impacts morale and I know that it causes some resentment.
How do I best handle the situation? It is great to be liked, but not at the expense of my relationship with my coworkers. Do I say something directly to my boss? Do I acknowledge to the others my guilt and discomfort with being favored? I worry people may go elsewhere and not sure what I can do to remedy the situation.
Well, first, you’re not responsible for this situation or responsible if people leave — that’s on your boss.
But you can use your favored position to be an ally to others — praise their work in front of your boss, share things they’ve done that you’ve been impressed by, make it widely known what roles others played in the work you’re getting praised for, and suggest them for projects you know they’d like to work on. Basically, share the wealth to the extent that you can!
On top of that, make a point of being warm, helpful, and supportive to your coworkers. The more they see that you’re not just basking in your disproportionate share of your boss’s approval and leaving them to fend for themselves, the better your relationships with them will be. But ultimately, your boss — your difficult, narcissist boss — may drive people off, and that’s not on you to prevent.
2. Dealing with infertility in a baby-talk-heavy office
My husband and I are dealing with infertility. It is frustrating and sad, and also not something I have been vocal about at work.
Being a woman in my 30s on a team with other young women, however, the topic comes up a lot. Particularly with one coworker. I love my job and my team, but I’m not sure how to navigate this. The coworker in question is recently married and I don’t think it would be unfair to call her “baby crazy.” It comes up in almost every conversation. She is in a same-sex relationship, and so her plans for pregnancy have been impacted by Covid-19 because she and her wife will need to access fertility services.
My fertility journey has also been impacted, but while for her the topic is still exciting and something she looks forward to, for me it is heartbreaking and difficult. I don’t know when I will be able to access the next stage of my treatment and the waiting, and inevitable bombardment of pregnancy announcements and baby conversations from every corner, is just awful. I try to avoid the subject as best I can, but it feels rude to back out of these conversations and I don’t feel comfortable discussing my particular circumstances in detail.
Would it be rude to change the subject or leave more casual conversations (all happening virtually for now) when the topic comes up? Would it be better to just be honest about my situation? How do I navigate this incredibly emotional thing in a professional way?
If you’re comfortable being honest about it and you know that coworker to be a generally considerate person, that could be the easiest way to handle it. You could discreetly explain to her that it’s a painful topic for you and tell her you’re not asking her never to talk about it at work but that you wanted her to be aware of what’s going on with you and you hope she’ll understand if you excuse yourself from conversations where it comes up. Most people (not all, but most) will want to be sensitive to this once they know what’s happening, and kind people will appreciate knowing it’s a tender spot so they don’t inadvertently keep poking at it.
But you don’t have to share that if you don’t want to. It’s okay to just change the subject or leave conversations when the topic comes up (which might even be easier now that it’s all virtual). Use work as an excuse; it’s handy for that!
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
3. Interviewer conducted our interview in Cantonese without warning
This interview happened years ago when I was fresh out of high school. I applied for a job at a tutoring center and halfway through the interview, the interviewer pointed out that on my resume it stated that I was fluent in Cantonese. I said yes and she proceeded to conduct the rest of the interview in Cantonese. She would ask me where I went to Chinese school, if I could write out my Chinese name, etc.
The tutoring job didn’t state a second language requirement unless you were planning on tutoring students who were in a French immersion program. At the time I just went with the switch in language, but looking back it did seem very weird. Was she trying to make sure I wasn’t lying about being bilingual or was there a different reason for this?
Yep, she almost certainly was assessing whether you really were fluent. She might have been doing it because they had a separate need for someone who could tutor in Cantonese (it’s possible they had a second ad you didn’t see or a potential need coming up in the future). Or, who knows, she could have her own weird hang-up about people who claim fluency they don’t fully have (because that’s a thing) and was hoping to trip you up … or was just glad for the chance to talk in Cantonese.
In general, though, if your resume lists that you’re fully fluent in a language, you should be prepared for an interviewer to switch to that language. Some will!
4. Vacation requests before you’ve earned the time off
I am relatively new to the professional world. At my job we are not allowed to roll over vacation days to the next year. This is not rare where I live and I understand why this rule exists. I also understand vacation days are earned by working, which is explicitly stated in our vacation policy (i.e., if you get 12 days a year, then you have earned one day by February 1).
This all being said, does that mean one can never use a vacation day in January or take a few days off in a row in the few months in the beginning of the year? I am getting married next April and my plan was to take six or seven days off (of my 15 days). I would be peeved if I had to take some of these days off unpaid if I am going to be able to use them later in the year.
Also, what is the standard amount of time ahead I should give them about this vacation request? When I first booked the wedding 16 months before the date, it seemed like too much notice.
It varies by office, but often if your vacation time resets to zero at the start of the year and you want to take vacation in the first few months, you can borrow against what you expect to accrue later in the year. (If you leave the job before those days have been earned back, typically they’d be deducted from your final check, although not all states allow that.) And even if your company doesn’t normally allow you to borrow against future leave, you’re often able to get an exception made for big events like your wedding.
As for when to ask for it, I’d ask for it now. If they think it’s too early to deal with, they’ll tell you. With something like this, I’d want it on the books as early as you can get it, to minimize the chances of a conflict.
5. Can I reapply for a job I turned down two years ago?
About two years ago, I had gone through a relatively long interview process for a job that I truly felt qualified for, and that excited me. From the get go and throughout the months-long process, I had made it clear that the earliest I could start was September, and the company representatives had agreed. After finishing the process, I was contacted with a job offer in May but on the condition that I start ASAP. The longest they were able to wait was two weeks. After thinking it over, I turned down the job as I really couldn’t leave my commitments months early at the drop of a hat.
I ended up finding another job which I have been at for nearly two years, but it is not a permanent job, and the job I turned down a few years ago would really kickstart my career. Is it appropriate to contact this workplace about reapplying when a position opens up? If so, how could I do it tactfully? Or did I essentially turn down my only opportunity two years ago?
You can absolutely reapply! That’s especially true if your circumstances have changed and you no longer would need a start date several months off — but even if you’d still need that, you can reopen the conversation and explore whether it would be more feasible this time.
Turning down a job doesn’t mean you’re closing the door to any job with that company ever again. As long as you’re polite and professional when you turn the offer down, you can nearly always come back in the future.
So, apply through their normal process and then email the hiring manager from last time and let her know you remain very interested in working with them, always regretted that the timing didn’t work out last time, and are throwing your hat in the ring again in the hopes it might work out this time. Open your cover letter with something similar as well. Good luck!
I’m my boss’s favorite, infertility at work, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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