It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. Is my girly office holding me back?
I’ve been in my first management role for about a year. Recently, another employee retired, and an office came available in a more desirable location of our building than where I previously sat. I was given permission to move to the vacant office, and my dotted line boss recommended that I have it painted. The administrative assistant gave me a book of paint chips with no guidelines, so I selected a color that matched the theme I envisioned, and decorated my office accordingly.
Well, the paint color ended up being a little brighter than I anticipated, and the overall outcome is a very girly office. It’s not pink and it’s not loud — it’s actually a really soft shade of aqua blue, and feels calming. I don’t think my decor is over the top, and the overall look of the space is cheerful and homey. Other women in the office have come to my doorway and literally squealed because they think the color and decor are adorable.
One work friend of mine, a man who admittedly can be an ass at times, had an absolute fit, going on and on making fun of my color choice, and he continues to make snide jokes about it constantly. Yesterday, a new manager stood in my doorway and flagrantly mansplained a very simple concept to me. Probably just two guys being jerks, but it did make me wonder … is my girly office in a very male-dominated industry making me look soft, and/or making people take me less seriously? For the record, I have a reputation for being smart, good in a crisis, and a leader. But I do lean towards being more cooperative and less confrontational, so I really hope my office isn’t giving the impression that I’m mush, or that I don’t take my job seriously.
For the record, I think it sucks that “girly” women are marginalized in the workplace. Throughout my career in manufacturing, I’ve heard men dismiss the work contributions of women who wear too much jewelry or makeup, or dress in ultra feminine clothes. I happen to be “girly” and good at my job, and I’m willing to remind any mansplainers that women are perfectly capable of being both, and any comments to the contrary are sexist. At the end of the day, am I fighting a losing battle? I guess my real question is, do I have to dial back my femininity to be taken seriously at work?
You sent me a photo and I see why you like it! It’s also pretty feminine. Not over-the-top Elle Woods, but feminine.
Does it matter? Maybe, maybe not. There’s nothing inherently less professional about feminine things (and the idea that “male” traits are neutral and “female” ones are a deviation from the norm is hugely problematic) so I’d love to tell you not to give it another thought … but as you note, the reality is that in some workplaces it will affect the way you’re perceived and make it harder to get the outcomes you want for yourself in your career. Is your workplace one of those? I don’t know. In most offices, the look of your office would be no big deal. In your office, it could be. Unfortunately this is a question where you’ve got to know your specific office to be able to know. I can tell you that it’s not so outside the norm that it would be a bad idea in general, but to make this specific to you, I’d run it by women in your office whose judgment you trust (ideally with jobs senior to yours and who have been there for a while).
To the broader question about dialing back femininity in general … again, I think you’ve got to know your office and know how you’re already perceived, and you’ve also got to decide how much you care. You can wear pink and be softer-spoken and generally present on the highly feminine end of the gender presentation spectrum and still be powerful and respected. It’s also true that working while female is just more challenging in some jobs/fields/offices, and the more female you present as, the higher those barriers can be. Of course, presenting with less-than-average femininity can also cause problems too, because we live in a society with very restrictive ideas of acceptable womanhood. In fact, it’s nearly impossible for women to perform gender in a way that won’t cause one problem or another. That makes it easy to say, “F it, just do whatever makes you happy, someone’s not going to like it regardless, and it’s not your problem if they don’t.” But of course, the frustrating reality is that it often becomes your problem … so you’ve got to figure out what your values and goals dictate, what’s practical in your particular job, and what you can live with reasonably happily.
This feels like it might be the most unhelpful answer I’ve ever written. There’s just no easy answer that will apply across the board.
2. My manager refuses to mute and I am about to lose my mind
We have been working remotely since March. Prior to all this, my whole team worked from home once per week and we work very closely with teams across the country. I say that all to mean we have quite a bit of experience doing video meetings. We will likely continue working remotely for the foreseeable future and we do multiple video calls every day so I would really love to address this (or reframe it for myself).
My boss is lovely, but consistently leaves herself unmuted during video calls throughout the entire meeting. She will be the only one unmuted and doesn’t mute herself even after people mention that there is a lot of echo and you can see that everyone else is muted (there is a little icon on WebEx that shows who is muted). Since it is always only her and because it is my boss, it feels awkward to ask her to please mute herself each time. It makes it really difficult to hear and as somebody who is pretty sensitive to sounds, it grates me way more than it should. How should I go about this?
When you ask her to mute herself, does she do it? Assuming so (and she’s not deliberately keeping herself unmuted for some strategic reason, like that she’s talking 99% of the time), there’s nothing wrong with saying “Jane, I think you’re unmuted and we’re getting some background noise.” I get that it starts feeling weird if you’re saying it every day — but really, as long as you’re polite about it and not accusatory (and as long as it’s not a situation where you’re super junior and no one else cares), it’s fine.
I think you’re feeling like “I can’t tell my boss what to do” — but you’re not doing really doing that. You’re helping her remember something useful. And you say she’s lovely, so I’m guessing she’s not going to take it as an attack.
3. Would I be a jerk if I quit my job early?
Last year, I got laid off from my job when it was sent to our team overseas. The new job I’ve been at since the beginning of this year has been good in that it’s great pay and I’ve been working mostly from home due to the pandemic. However, it is a temp job that will end in a few months.
I got a call today from a company I’d applied to at the end of 2018. They are located really close to where I live and pay almost as much as the temp spot I have now (with my commute being cut down so much, the difference in pay wouldn’t matter as much, plus there’s room to negotiate). I’m sorely tempted, and have sent over my resume to talk to them further.
But … how do I do this? Can I do it? Is it wrong? I know my manager needs me and has said several times that she doesn’t know what she’d do without me. I’m the only one in my department, and she’d be covering my work by herself if I left. On the other hand, these are insane times and I’d be foolish not to think ahead and do what’s best for me … right?
I just don’t know how to get past being so conflicted. I feel like I’d be letting them down, and I don’t even know how I’d explain my leaving. What would I even say? Initially, I had every intention of staying until the end of when they needed me, and I was definitely not seeking another job or an interview. I know it would be totally out of the blue for them if I left and is probably not a great look for me. To complicate matters, we’d started discussing the possibility of my staying on past this fall, and they were willing to work with me for some scheduled time off I need for a medical issue. So they’ve been willing to work with me, and, well, I would be a jerk if I left. Help.
You wouldn’t be a jerk to leave a temp job (or any job) when a permanent job that’s a good fit for you shows up. You’re allowed to make the business decisions that are best for you, just as your current employer would do. If they realized it no longer made business sense to keep you on another few months, they almost certainly would end things early. Not because they’re jerks, but because this is business and this is how it works. (I’m assuming there’s no contract to the contrary or you would have mentioned it.)
Your manager saying “I don’t know what I’d do without you” doesn’t mean “I will collapse if you leave.” It means “you’re valuable and I appreciate you.” But she will presumably be able to hire someone to replace you, as managers regularly do! Even if she can’t for some reason — if there’s a hiring freeze or you’re the only person in a 200-mile radius with your skills — she will still survive. You’re not abandoning a needy dependent — you’re leaving a job, which is a totally normal thing for people to do and happens all the time.
As for it being out of the blue if you leave — it usually is! That’s not odd. As for them having been good to you, that’s good … and decent employers should be. That should make you work hard for them while you’re there, but it does not obligate you to stay past the point it’s in your best interests like an indentured servant. The same goes for them discussing you staying on longer — that’s a business opportunity that you can take or turn down, depending on what makes sense for you (at whatever point it materializes, which it hasn’t yet).
It sounds like you feel a lot of gratitude and obligation toward this job and this manager, but these are business relationships. As long as you handle your departure professionally and responsibly, this will be fine. You will explain you’d intended to stay through the fall but a perfect opportunity fell in your lap that you can’t pass up. This happens.
Also, if it gives you any peace of mind, it sounds like you took this job pre-pandemic. The world has changed since then, and it’s especially reasonable that the decisions you make for yourself now might need to be different than what you envisioned at the start of the year.
4. Is the job I’m interviewing for full of red flags?
I have been interviewing with a company and on top of several red flags, like changing the job focus in the middle of the interview, one of the things the person I was meeting with said there was a possibility I wouldn’t be talking to the person who would be who I reported to before being offered the job. In fact, the person I had this interview with is part of the department I would be working in but not a part of the team I would be on and has little to do with what I would be doing on a daily basis.
How much of a red flag is this and should I run?
Not being offered an interview with the person you’d be reporting to isn’t always a red flag — sometimes there are reasons that makes sense, like that the person is on leave or hasn’t been hired yet or is likely to change, or that you’ll have far more day-to-day guidance from someone else. But generally when that’s the case, the employer will explain that to you. And all the details here taken together do add up to something troubling — at a minimum it sounds like there’s been some confusion about what the job is (concerning enough on its own), but it sounds like there may be more chaos than that.
I wouldn’t say run, but I’d ask a lot of questions before deciding anything — including asking to talk with the person who would be your boss. If they balk at that, that’s a sign that they’re not prioritizing getting you the info you need to evaluate the job, and that itself is usually a sign of other bad things.
5. Naming “instability” as a reason for leaving my job when instability is the norm
I’ve been working for my organization for a little over a year, and have had a very positive experience. However, since COVID hit, the nature and volume of my work has shifted significantly with the move to remote work, and is unlikely to ever return to what it once was. We also recently learned there will be a significant restructure and our workforce will be reduced by about 15%, and even if our department is not reduced, we will have a new vice president (not my current, awesome direct supervisor). The whole process is set to begin in a few weeks; people will have between 2-3 months notice that their positions are being eliminated.
My supervisor, who I trust, has said that her discussions with senior leadership do not indicate that our department — which is small, effective and cheap — is likely to be eliminated. However, this is not my first restructure and I don’t take any of that as the word of God. Under normal circumstances, I would be aggressively searching for a new job since I might be laid off or at least be in a department with a vastly different culture, but I’m less confident that departure is the right move in the current environment.
My gut tells me to put feelers out, but be prepared to stay if the dust settles with our department intact. However, I’m not sure about how to discuss my reasons for looking. Would it be fair to say to employers that I’m looking for more stability when the workplace norm right now is fundamentally unstable?
Yes. Interviewers know that some workplaces are more unstable than others, even in generally unstable times.
Explaining that your company is cutting 15% of its workforce and you’re worried about your job’s future stability will be a perfectly acceptable answer for interviewers.
is my girly office holding me back, my manager refuses to mute, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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