an aggressively atheist coworker, racy music on a work computer, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My atheist coworker hassles me about my religion

I’m a recent hire in a new job. I’m also a practicing Catholic. I consider my faith private, but not really some deep dark secret or anything. I did tell my supervisor because I may request leave for holidays and the like. My coworkers are a very small, very tight group, especially since COVID started. I can tell they’ve all really relied on each other for emotional support during the pandemic. Everyone talks very freely about their personal lives, their children, their out-of-work activities, etc. They often get together outside of work for movies and what not.

One coworker is … well, aggressively atheist. Which is fine, I have a lot of atheist friends, and we all just respect each other’s preferences. During conversations, whenever someone asks me what I’m doing on a weekend or what my evening plans, if I respond honestly with just “oh the usual, mass and brunch,” she launches into long diatribes on the evils of religion. She’s teased me about taking time off for the Christmas holiday.

A lot of this, I’ve just ignored because I don’t consider people’s personal faiths or lack thereof any of my business. My religion does dominate a lot of my personal time, so it does become awkward when my coworkers in our daily virtual meetings ask what my out-of-work plans are. She’s also become more and more aggressive to me about it lately. It has started happening unprompted with her trying to argue scripture with me, even though I’ve told her flat out that I have no interest in converting her and I assume, being a grown woman, she’s thought through all these things as much as I have; we’ve just taken different paths and her path isn’t my business. I try to disengage and she just keeps bringing it up. I don’t want to discuss these things, and it’s to a point that I don’t feel welcome in my new job. No one else is religious. I’d like for her to just leave me alone and let me live my life.

It’s true that other people’s faith or lack thereof isn’t your business, but that’s not the issue here — your coworker is harassing you and that’s very much your business. She’s being rude and obnoxious, and she’s also opening your company to legal liability because it’s illegal for them to allow an employee to be harassed on the basis of religion. (This might be more intuitive if you imagine someone harassing her for not being religious. Clearly illegal, right? Same thing here.)

The next time she launches in, say this: “I’m not sure if I haven’t been clear enough in the past, but I’m not interested in discussing religion at work, ever. Please don’t keep bringing it up with me.” If it continues after that, which sounds likely, at that point you’ll need to loop in either your boss or HR. Explain you don’t want to discuss religion at work (i.e., you’re not the one bringing it up), you’ve asked her to stop and she’s continued, and you need their help because “I know the company doesn’t want people harassed about their religious beliefs.” You’ll be doing them a favor by raising it — they really do have a legal obligation to act, and it’s possible she’s making other people uncomfortable too.

If you’re worried that you’re the one bringing it up by mentioning your plan to go to mass, etc. — that’s no more you inviting a religious debate than someone mentioning their same-sex spouse is inviting a debate on gay marriage. You’re just living your life, which means referring to it sometimes at work. She’s the one causing the problem, not you.

2. NSFW music on work computer

I almost constantly listen to music over my earphones. I have my own office, and the music is also soft enough that other people won’t hear it. I’ll usually open YouTube, click on one of the recommended playlists (they know my music taste scarily well), and the music will autoplay in the background while I’m working.

Occasionally though, I will realize that the music playing isn’t 100% safe for work (e.g., I’m currently listening to “Sweet” by Cigarettes after Sex, and before that was “Stoned” by Post Malone).

Since it is a work laptop, they can monitor what I am doing. As far as I am aware they haven’t done it yet, but it is possible. The YouTube screen is also usually minimized, so people usually can’t see what I am listening to. Is it a risk that I should rather avoid?

Nah, you’re fine. You’re not watching porn, you’re listening to music on headphones. It sounds like you’re worried that if anyone looked at what you’re doing, they’d see song or band names with sex or drug references in them but … it’s music. No one is likely to care. And if they did care enough to take a closer look for some reason, they’d quickly see there’s nothing alarming going on. Carry on!

3. Will my employee be blindsided by this improvement plan?

I supervise a team of two, X and Y. Over the past year I have been coaching X on various performance issues and it has gotten to the point that we need a formal performance improvement plan. I don’t think this should be a surprise to X but I’m getting the impression that he does not really understand how serious it is.

We have very different communication styles. I prefer to be direct and detailed. X tends to use generalizations and can take an entire minute to think and gather his thoughts before answering a question. I’ve been working with my manager on softening my approach and being sure to ask clarifying questions to make sure we are on the same page but things still get lost in translation sometimes.

I have a great manager who is working with me on the PIP and helping to coach X. She is incredibly encouraging and took the lead on the conversation with X to let him know we were going to make a plan. The thing is, I’m worried that he only heard that we want to work with him to get him whatever tools he needs to be more organized and additional training. I have not noticed any improvement or efforts to find solutions from X, and I don’t want him to feel blindsided and shut down when we deliver the actual plan and deadlines.

Are these conversations usually positive? I was expecting to go back over where his performance is falling short and ask what would help him so we can set up an achievable plan. Should I check in with him or my manager or just wait?

It’s good to be positive and supportive when you’re coaching an employee, but there’s also a point where you need to be clear that the issues are serious ones and could jeopardize the person’s job. At a minimum, the PIP itself should do that; both the written plan and the conversation surrounding it should include language like “if we don’t see these changes by (date), we would need to let you go.” But you also don’t want that to be the first time the person realizes things are serious, so ideally your recent conversations with him would have been increasingly serious in tone as well. You can be supportive and kind while still using language like, “I want to be clear that these issues are serious ones and to succeed in this role, I’d need you to show significant improvement in the next few weeks.”

If you and your boss have been emphasizing the “let’s find you whatever tools you need” side of things without also being explicit about the “these are serious issues” side, I think you’re right to worry about blindsiding X. Since your boss is coaching you through this, share that concern with her and suggest it might help to have one more conversation pre-PIP where you’re explicit about the seriousness of the issues. (That said, it’s also true that some people really don’t read the writing on the wall about this stuff and will feel blindsided no matter how explicit you are. I’ve said things like “if I don’t see XYZ by April 20, at that point I would need to let you go” and still had the person shocked when they got fired on April 20.)

4. Contacting an acquaintance who works at the company you just applied to

I know that cold-contacting people at a company you just applied to work at is a big no-no. But what about if you’re already acquainted with someone who works there? I got coffee with someone who currently works at the company I just applied for a job with. We went to the same school, and we have a few mutual friends, so there are a couple little connections. I do not know her beyond the little “informational interview”-type coffee we recently got.

I applied for an internship at her company, but I don’t know if she is involved with the hiring process at all. It isn’t a huge company though. Would it be okay to shoot her an email letting her know that I applied? How should I phrase it to make sure it comes across that I am merely letting her know (in case she has any influence) without expecting her to pull any strings?

It’s different when you know someone at the company. You should definitely let her know you applied — in fact, given that you just recently had coffee with her to talk about the field, it would be odd if you didn’t! Say something like this: “Thank you again for getting coffee with me last month — it was so helpful to talk to you and hear your perspective on X and Y. (Or something to refer back to the conversation — the more specific, the better.) I just applied for an internship with (company) that sounds right in my line with my interest in X and wanted to let you know!” Some people will add something like, “If you think it could be right match, I’d be grateful if you could put in a good word” too (which doesn’t sound like you’re expecting her to get you the job).

5. How to resign when I’m working remotely

I’ve been working remotely, 500 miles away from my office, for the past two years. I normally visit the office twice a year but haven’t been able to do so this year due to the pandemic. I recently received a job offer and I’m ready to give in my two weeks notice but was wondering if I should resign in person or by phone. There’s already a possibility that I may need to drive the 500 miles to turn in my company-owned equipment. What’s the best way to handle this?

Do it over the phone. It’s very normal for people who work remotely to resign by phone; you don’t need to travel to do it in-person (ever, but especially during a pandemic). Normally you’d ship back the equipment at their expense too.

an aggressively atheist coworker, racy music on a work computer, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.



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