It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. My boss criticizes people publicly and is often wrong
Norma, our boss, has a habit of speaking rather harshly to employees, including myself, often without fully understanding the situation. The other day, she loudly and publicly berated me for perceived errors on a document, saying, “Don’t even bother to continue with this! There are too many mistakes to make it useful to us!” I went back and checked the document and found zero errors. I had a cohort do the same. It turned out that she was comparing the document with incorrect information from another source. I wrote a polite email explaining it to Norma, but I felt like everyone else – with the exception of the person who checked my work – thought I screwed up when I didn’t. I mentioned this to a few people and it got back to Norma, who said I said I was being oversensitive. Was I?
My desk is close enough to Norma’s that it is not uncommon for me to overhear things she says to other employees, some of which seem justified, some of which do not. This also means that I get the lion’s share of the negative comments, a few of which are fair and reasonable but many stem from her making assumptions without having the facts. She’s an intelligent person and excels at some things, but she isn’t familiar with technology and office systems, so she sometimes perceives things incorrectly. For example, she assumed that System X was capable of all sorts of things that it wasn’t and chastised “Paul,” the employee who works on System X, for not knowing what he was doing. When I gently explained that System X didn’t actually do those things, she called me defensive.
It’s an open-concept office and headphones are banned, so we all hear everything. I don’t want to come across as overly defensive, but I struggle with the fear that people really think my work is substandard because they hear what Norma says. I also struggle when I hear others unfairly blamed. Norma also tends to make quick decisions about people and stick with that forever. Like Paul is constantly referred to as incompetant because he can’t make System X do what it doesn’t do, while I am branded as oversensitive. I’m open to constructive criticism but would prefer to receive it privately. And I suspect that I’m not alone in that. If it matters, I report directly to Norma as does everyone else in the office. Should I just keep my mouth shut and let her say what she says or should I stand up for myself and others?
Well, when you try standing up for yourself or others, she calls you defensive and oversensitive. She’s a jerk.
All you can really do is continue calmly and matter-of-factly stating the facts — “I checked that document and it’s all correct — could you show me what you’re comparing it to that says it’s wrong? I’m trying to figure out where our wires are crossed” … etc. But she’s going to tell you you’re being defensive, so you’ll have to decide how much of that you’re up for.
You can try asking her to give you feedback privately, but be prepared to be labeled oversensitive for that too. (It’s not oversensitive, for the record.)
Basically, you work for an ass. Unless you can get the ear of someone above her who will hold her accountable to being less of an ass, there’s not a lot you can do. As with so many bad bosses, she sucks and she’s likely not going to change.
But I wouldn’t worry much about your coworkers overhearing and thinking you’re incompetent; they all work for Norma too, so they have the same information you do about how groundless much of what she says is. Just as you’re aware of what she’s like, so are they.
2. Coworker keeps spouting Covid conspiracy theories
I am part of a weekly social chat with some of my coworkers. It’s typically a nice time to talk about how we are doing outside of work, and the meeting I look the most forward to every week. But one coworker is making a habit of bringing her latest findings in covid remedies (vitamins and supplements, inhaling steam, etc) which I don’t believe are grounded in science. This past week she said that covid deaths are completely overblown accusing doctors of improperly citing covid as a cause of death to get federal funding. For the most part, I bite my tongue and leave it to others to say “where did you read that?” or “wow that’s a lot different than what I have heard.” I feel that she is alone in these opinions out of the group. I don’t want to lose this meet-up, which has been so helpful for me mentally, but I am quickly growing tired of hearing this bullshit and want it to stop. I am also rapidly losing respect for this person. What can I do here? Should I reach out to her privately?
These meet-ups sound ripe for a “no virus talk” rule, and I bet the other people on the call would welcome it. At the start of the next call, why not say something like, “I could really use a break from all the Covid talk in the world right now. What would y’all think about saying no virus talk on these chats so we can just catch up about other things going on in our lives?”
If you don’t do that, I implore you to at least join your other colleagues with their “where did you read that?” and “wow that’s a lot different than what I have heard” pushback. That can be exhausting to have to do on your own, and it’s helpful when others speak up and carry part of that burden. (But really, just ban it altogether. It’s not why you’re getting together.)
3. Group projects in school
I am back in school after many (many!) years in a coding adjacent program at a community college. The head of the program received feedback that our grads don’t work with others very well. So she has decided every class has to have a group project.
I hate group projects. Inevitably, at least one person ghosts. On our most recent project, I had one great partner and a last minute ghost. I did the math – I could spend two hours and finish the project myself or I could chase this guy for two or three days and be stressed the entire time, because, of course, we are graded as a group.
I just did his part. Although I was frustrated because the ghost will get credit for our efforts.
My question to you and your readers is this: what kind of group projects would actually teach people to work collaboratively? What skills do you wish you had learned/been coached in so that you could work better with your coworkers? I want to be able to make constructive suggestions for group projects in the future.
Honestly, I don’t think group projects in school can teach the skills that you need to work collaboratively at work because there’s no realistic way to replicate the conditions that you’ll have on a job. You don’t have the same kind of accountability to a boss, or the same obvious built-in roles, or a person with the power to make decisions for the group. With school projects, you’re much more dependent on having to build consensus; you can end up having to cajole people into doing their part and have little recourse if they don’t. (And yes, at work you’ll sometimes need to rely on influence rather than authority, but it’s not the same thing.)
If a professor is committed to doing group projects anyway, I’d recommend structuring them so that each person can be evaluated on their own contribution and create an easy way for the group to alert the professor when someone isn’t pulling their weight (just as you could at work). The commenters on this post on group work might have other ideas for you too!
4. I haven’t heard from anyone since I returned from my honeymoon
I started as a contract employee for a large nonprofit this summer to help out while another employee was on sick leave. My supervisors are lovely and constantly check in to see how I’m doing and value my opinion and expertise. The person I have replaced has returned and, instead of letting me go, my team wants to hire me out from under the employment agency (to get PTO and benefits) through the end of the year and, budget withstanding, hire me full-time in the new year. Great, right?
Well, I got married about a week and a half ago (yay!) and took a week for my honeymoon, something I prepared and planned for. My team wished me well and I disappeared without access to my email for a week. I returned to work yesterday and cleared out my inbox, but did not hear from anyone on my team all day, neither in a “hey welcome back!” nor a “can you do this?” way. I’m now halfway though my second day back and it’s still been radio silence. (I’m working remotely, but we generally have regular, often daily video check-ins to “maintain a sense of community.”) I have also not had any follow-up on my continuing employment for nearly a month now.
My therapist encouraged me to avoid “managing up” and confronting my supervisor about this, but I don’t want them to think I’ve checked out, too.
I wouldn’t read much into not having heard from anyone for your first two days back. You’re remote, people are caught up in their own stuff, and it’s likely not personal. I mean, yes, it’s possible that they all decided to shun you while you were away, but it’s far more likely that they’re just focused on their own things. You’ve been away so they’re out of “talking to Jane” mode. Have you checked in with your boss and the people you talk to most frequently? If not, do that!
It’s also fine to check with your manager about where things stand with the possibility of continuing your employment there. Don’t “confront” her — that would be strangely aggressive! Just politely ask if she has an update or knows what kind of timeline you’re likely to hear something in. (Why is your therapist discouraging that? Some therapists don’t give great work advice; unless there’s more to this, yours might be in that category.)
5. Interviewer was snide about my experience
I’m in a very niche industry. It’s not uncommon to work for a company based out of a major city where you don’t live and get sent all over the world working on projects.
I received a call from a potential employer wanting to discuss a mid-level position (totally within my experience and skillset). The person read my resume on the phone with me line-by-line and made snide comments the entire time. It was almost like they’d never seen my resume before and were judging me for going to a state college instead of an Ivy league school. On top of that, they downplayed my accomplishments, former companies, and studios. We actually knew a lot of the same people and had worked on similar projects in the last few years. Honestly, it felt degrading and I was professional with my responses but kept it brief.
My company was hit hard and I was laid off in July. It’s been hard. This was the second interview I was able to land and it kind of just destroyed what little confidence I had left. This is a lunatic I can’t imagine working a stressful project with, but it was definitely a blow to my self-esteem. I guess my question is: Why? If they had doubts about my experiences, background, location, etc., why would someone even bother reaching out for an interview? Is this the new norm?
It’s not a new norm. You just ran into a jerk. That’s it!
It’s possible someone else selected your resume for an interview and this guy was assigned to make the call. That’s a thing that happens. But his rudeness is not typical, and you should write this off as about him, not about interviewers in general.
It’s good, too, to remember that interviews are just as much an opportunity for you to vet the employer as for them to vet you. So you were getting valuable info from this call! And you control your own time; you’re not at their mercy. If someone is being rude, it’s fine for you to say, “As we’re talking, I’m realizing this role wouldn’t be right for me so I won’t take up more of your time. Have a good day.”
boss criticizes people publicly, coworker spouts conspiracy theories, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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