It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. “Over the hill” office birthday parties
My coworker turned 50 this week and they threw an “Over The Hill” birthday party. It isn’t the first time I’ve seen this. The party was complete with black crepe and balloons everywhere, a mini black coffin with black roses in it, a chocolate birthday cake made to look like a tombstone and with gummy worms crawling in the “dirt,” and a headstone that read “RIP Jane’s Youth.” There was denture cream, hemorrhoid cream, laxatives, a cane, a walker, adult diapers, etc.
I normally have a pretty good sense of humor but I think this is just awful. To me, it’s morbid, depressing, and rude.
I will be 50 next year and am Not Looking Forward to this (the party not my birthday). I don’t want one of these parties. Any idea on how I can get out of it?
I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, or if people secretly agree with me but are just going with the flow when they laugh it off. For what it’s worth, I’ve always felt these parties were in bad taste, even when I was much younger.
If this were the only time your office had done this, I’d ask if you knew how your coworker felt about it, since it’s possible this was perfectly in line with her sense of humor and she loved it and felt seen by this particular form of ribbing — who knows. (I would absolutely throw this kind of party for my mom and she would love it. When she turned 60, I tried to register the domain IAmOld.com for her but, to her disappointment, it was already taken. She is a CPA and I once made her a fake business flyer with an abacus on it. Etc.)
But if this is their go-to for everyone who turns 50, that’s incredibly weird and inappropriate. And really, even for someone who would love it, throwing that kind of party at work is a weird and risky thing to do, especially if there’s anyone who’s already worrying about age discrimination there.
It shouldn’t be hard to get out of having your own though. Talk to the person who organizes the parties and say, “I’m really not up for one of those ‘over the hill’-themed parties. What other options are there?” Or if you don’t want a party at all, just tell them you want to skip it. If you work with the kind of people who ignore others’ clearly stated preferences, you might need to be more firm about it, but generally “I don’t want this — let’s do something else” will work fine.
2. Can I ask a former employee about how they felt about my company?
I work for a really small company, and I found the person who held my job before me on LinkedIn. I was wondering if it was at all possible to ask them how their experience at the company went, particularly because I am … struggling. Badly. Also, for the record, I think some of the practices at my company are a little out of left field, and in hindsight seemed like warning flags for what would become the toxic ball of stress I am now currently carrying around. I am hesitant because I can see my questions getting back to my company very easily, and because I know I shouldn’t ask “hey, was your experience as bad as mine?” but I don’t know what to say instead.
You can do that, but you don’t need to. You already know the parts that matter: You are badly struggling and stressed. That will be the case no matter what your predecessor says. I think you are looking for outside confirmation that this is bad and that the problem is the company, not you — but you don’t need that confirmation. If this job is bad for you, it’s bad for you.
I would ask yourself what would change for you if your predecessor confirmed their experience in the job was as bad as yours. Alternately, what would change if they told you they loved there? I know hearing someone else say “yes, this is awful, it’s not in your head” can be a source of comfort, and we all need reality checks now and then … but truly, I think everything you need to know is already in your letter.
But to answer your actual question: You can do that. They may or may not welcome hearing from you. Some people are happy to dish the dirt on a toxic job they’ve escaped from, especially to help someone who’s currently trapped there, and other people want nothing to do with that part of their life once they moved on. It probably won’t get back to your company that you asked, although that’s always a risk. You can mitigate that somewhat by being judicious in your initial questions (for example, “did you run into any challenges?” rather than “did you find it unbearable?”).
3. My boss hasn’t announced my resignation yet
I recently gave notice to my employer regarding my resignation (a generous three weeks notice). This is the busiest time of year for my industry and I was able to push back my start date at my new job until after the major deadline for the year. After I told my manager, he requested that I not tell anyone else in the company or any of my clients until he has spoken to the owners and he will send out an email announcement to the entire company. I am not trying to burn any bridges with this company, as I work in an industry where it is likely I will encounter them again in a professional capacity.
Well, it has now been over two weeks since I gave notice of my resignation, and there has been no movement from my manager regarding announcing to the company regarding my impending departure. I would like adequate time to properly transition all of my clients, as well as properly inform my clients who they can address any questions to. I feel like I should mention that one of my reasons for searching for employment elsewhere is due to this particular manager’s frequent lack of follow-through. At what point do I just take it upon myself to announce to my colleagues and client that my last day is this upcoming deadline? Should I follow up again with my manager to see where things stand?
You have less than a week left? Deal with it today. I’d say this to your boss: “Now that I have less than a week less, I need to let people know I’m leaving. Do you still want to announce it yourself? If so, I’d need you to do it today. Otherwise I need to start telling people on my own.” And then, if he doesn’t do it today, do it yourself tomorrow morning. (And when you do, make sure to make it clear to the owners that you gave your notice several weeks ago — as in, “As I told Joe two weeks ago…”)
4. My boss thinks I’m younger than I am
I’m looking for a polite way to tell my new boss that I’m not as young as she thinks. We’re 100% remote, so she’s only met me on the phone and a couple times on video chat. I do tend to look younger than I am, and I’m friendly, but I have a reputation in my organization as competent and I do think I project an air of authority. (My immediate supervisor jokes that if I’m in a meeting, it’s my meeting.)
Today on a call, she said something like, “I don’t know if you’ve experienced this in your young life, but…” about something pretty mundane — think buying a car or moving. She tends to treat me as though I’m pretty junior, even though my previous position and current position at my organization (I was just promoted) are highly skilled non-entry level jobs.
She has my resume. I graduated college over a decade ago, and I’ve been promoted multiple times at different companies. I don’t know how to counter this without being weird or rude. Something like “oh yes, when my husband and I did that ten years ago…” just feels forced, and “actually I was a business analyst for five years, running x, y, and z” sounds arrogant and out of place.
Is there a way I can tell her I’m not young or new, without sounding defensive about my age?
Well, you could throw yourself an “over the hill” birthday party.
But really, the next time she makes one of these remarks, why not just say, “Jane, I’m 35!” (Replace with whatever your age is, obviously.)
This is one of those things where you don’t need to be subtle or remind her of your professional history. You wouldn’t normally focus on your age at work, but when she keeps referring to it and she’s wrong, pointing that out is the easiest and fastest way to shut it down. (If you were actually 25 or something, you’d need a whole different approach.)
5. I haven’t heard back on my application for an internal role
About a month before the pandemic hit the U.S., I applied for a job within my organization that I meet all of the qualifications for. I didn’t stress about it while we all adjusted to working from home, but now many of us are back in the office part time and other similar level positions have been filled. This job is still listed on our website. I emailed the person in HR responsible for recruitment to confirm if we’re still actively hiring for the position and I haven’t received a response. This was over a month ago. Do I nudge again or accept the fact that they don’t want to interview me (and don’t want to tell me why)?
How large is your organization? If you’re working at a company with 40,000 employees, I’d let it go; you’re basically an external applicant at that point. (I mean, you’re not, but for the purpose of being able to expect responses to follow-up on a job application … you sort of are.) If you’re at a medium or small company, I’d nudge again. But this time, consider calling instead of using email, unless that’s totally contrary to your company’s culture. You can do a second email if you want, but when someone isn’t responding to one method of communication, you’ll often get better results if you switch to another.
Another option is contacting the hiring manager directly (that means the person who the position will report to), rather than going through HR.
“over the hill” office parties, my boss won’t announce I’m leaving, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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