It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.
1. My coworker is visibly uncomfortable around my service dog (#3 at the link)
I want to send you an update to my letter about my coworker Carol being scared of my service dog.
I got a new job, but not because of Carol.
The situation with Carol ended up being a symptom of much worse problems with my supervisor and HR. I think she may have been reluctant to change desks because HR was being really strange about the whole thing. They had a very skeptical mentality about anyone needing accommodations, even with medical documentation. They had an apparent mindset (which I’ve encountered far too often) that it’s better to let 10 disabled people go without needed accommodations than to let one person get an accommodation they don’t “deserve.” They kept trying to restrict how I could interact with my service dog, to the point that it was interfering with the tasks she is trained to do. When I pointed out that these restrictions were preventing me from having full use of my service dog, they simply threatened to ban her from the building altogether to “teach [me] how to get along without her.”
I want to make clear that my dog never misbehaved. She never barked, whined, lunged, or did anything that could be seen as naughty or unruly. The restrictions that HR was trying to impose had more to do with their preconceived notions about the kind of people that have service dogs, and if I am disabled enough to “deserve” one. When I pointed that out I had ample medical documentation, they simply dismissed my doctor as a quack. If they were half as dismissive and condescending with Carol as they were with me, I wouldn’t be surprised if she figured it wasn’t worth the trouble. And I definitely don’t blame her at all if that was the case.
There were other problems too. One coworker openly mocked me because of my disability, saying how happy she was that she doesn’t have my problems. My supervisor actively blocked any opportunity for professional advancement, no matter how small or inexpensive. She was also reluctant to manage her team, which made me feel like I couldn’t talk to her about my concerns.
So I got a new job. It came with a 15% pay increase, awesome benefits, and my working conditions are much better. My supervisor, HR, and coworkers are much more understanding of me and my service dog. They even took extra steps to rearrange my workspace to make it easier for me and my dog. I’m less stressed, which has helped my health a great deal.
I do wish I could have helped Carol be less stressed about my dog, but it just wasn’t meant to be. I’m guessing she’s probably a lot less stressed too.
2. Can I ask my boss to stop bringing in alcohol?
The relevant problem actually kind of solved itself–another person joined our team who explicitly told our manager that she was uncomfortable with alcohol in the office. She got a bit of a hard time for it (i.e. my manager pressuring her to drink at team lunches because “we’re not in the office” despite her politely declining), but the manager did switch to providing coffee and soda as treats in the office instead of beer and wine. Happy ending!
…for a bit. To make a very long (and still ongoing) story short, I am no longer working there. My manager asked me to work extra hours from home, then told me he didn’t plan on paying me for those hours. Thanks to your site, I knew that that wasn’t above board and refused. He threatened to fire me, and ultimately did so. I filed a retaliation claim with my state’s labor board. He then shorted me on my final paycheck; when I asked about it, he told me he wouldn’t pay me for the hours I was “jerking off” at work. So I added a wage claim for the hours he didn’t pay me.
He ended up having to pay over $1000 in penalties, plus what he owed me, for my final paycheck being late. The retaliation claim is still ongoing, but I’m confident given that I have screenshots of the text he sent me saying that if I didn’t agree to work for no pay, he’d fire me.
The moral of the story: everyone who warned me about the environment being a red flag was absolutely right. I’m very glad to be out of that workplace.
3. I feel guilty about getting a job in my competitive field when others are still struggling
My letter wasn’t the most thrilling, but it has a happy ending (happy continuing?) at least.
I was coming off a job search where I’d catastrophized everything and assumed I’d never get a job in my field or I’d only get a position that I hated to pay off my loans.
Your response and the comments drove home that I was looking at everything surrounding my job in extreme binaries – all or nothing. That wasn’t realistic, and my guilt was neither helpful nor actionable.
Now that I’ve been working here for a few months, things are going well! I suspect I’ll continue to struggle with impostor syndrome for a while, but so far, I’m good at this job and uniquely qualified for it. I learned some of the specific reasons why they hired me, and that helped a lot too. Being in a place where I can make some small differences to support increased diversity in my field also gives me a way to positively channel that energy now.
Yes, there were elements of luck and privilege in my getting hired, but that’s life. Having FEELINGS about it won’t change anything. I work with a lot of people who are smarter than me, and they got here through some elements of luck too. That doesn’t make them any less qualified or skilled though.
Thanks for providing some much needed perspective!
4. Attending conflict resolution training with a horrible coworker (#4 at the link)
The good and bad news is that the training session was a giant waste of time (and money!) and it really wasn’t a big deal. It was mostly a team-building exercise led by an outside consultant.
We had to be in small groups and I didn’t have to be with my awful coworker, so that was a plus. The whole session was really designed for HR and management, so I honestly don’t understand why the entire company was required to participate.
Over the past few months we’ve been asked to give HR feedback over various ways to improve, and it finally seems like they understand how out of touch they are. I’m hoping next year leads to bigger changes since they are sorely needed.
5. My boss doesn’t trust my answers or my ideas — and keeps double-checking what I say with others
Since my letter things have been going well. I never had a real heart-to-heart with my boss about this issue. Mostly because I’m a coward. But also he’s calmed down a little bit, either because he’s super busy (we still haven’t filled that second position) or because I’ve proven myself several times over. The software vendor asked me to present some of my work at their yearly conference, and he witnessed several attendees come up to me after to tell me it was the must useful session of the whole conference. (He also witnessed a recruiter try to poach me on the spot right in front of him!) Plus the one coworker he kept making me double check with has moved on to greener pastures.
But the issue does still crop up occasionally, and I’ve taken the stance that it’s not worth the battle when I have it pretty good here all things considered. In a very recent skip-level interview with my grandboss, I mentioned the issue and said it’s something I’ve just learned to accept. She was emphatic that I shouldn’t just accept it, and I should have a talk with boss (my grandboss reminds me a lot of you, Alison). So I will have to overcome my avoidant personality and speak up at some point!
Thanks again for your valuable feedback.
updates: coworker is afraid of my service dog, my boss brings in alcohol, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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