It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. I miss my toxic old job
I just left a very toxic work environment to the point where nine of thirteen people on the team quit last year (possibly more, these are just the ones I’m aware of). I had a high opinion of my direct manager as a person, though she often contributed unknowingly to the toxic environment at times. I don’t think she’d ever intentionally contribute to it, however. Is it weird that I miss working with the team and manager there, despite how toxic it was? And what are the best ways to recover from a toxic work environment and re-evaluate my sense of what is “normal” in the workplace?
It’s not weird. Even toxic jobs often have good aspects to them and people form bonds with coworkers. It’s not that different than knowing you were right to break up with an ex but still missing the good parts of your relationship. You are human and you formed human connections with people there. In fact, sometimes in a toxic environment, you bond even more closely with people because you’re all going through the same weird experience that other people won’t ever fully understand. (And as for your manager: one of the tragedies of toxic workplaces is that even good managers working in that environment will find themselves contributing to it in ways they don’t intend. It’s just really hard, if not impossible, to fully separate yourself from that if there’s toxic pressure from above you. It taints everyone who’s part of the management structure, to some degree or another.)
I’ve got some advice here about how to recalibrate your idea of normal once you move on.
2. How open can I be about living with a coworker?
I’m in a leadership development program with a big national company as my first job out of college. Once it’s safe to do so (COVID), I’ll be moving to Notoriously Expensive East Coast State. I can’t afford rent on my own so I’ll need a roommate and the best option is rooming with “John,” the only other student from my university who accepted a job with this program. He’ll be moving to the same area at the same time with the same budget as me. We don’t know each other very well, but we’re from a very close-knit university and it’s a “my friends know his friends and it’s probably better than a random roommate” situation. John and I had a class together and chat every once in a while and are both easygoing as roommates. Having an opposite gender roommate will be a bit new for me, especially coming from a conservative university, but he and I are not remotely interested in dating and I think things will be fine.
The big question is how people at work will see it if they know that we’re living together. We work in different departments, but interact with a lot of the same people, including VPs and the C suite, because of the leadership program. We’ve been working remotely for a little while now and have both agreed to avoid discussing our planned living situation with our coworkers.
I’m worried about our new colleagues and managers and senior leadership finding out and it negatively affecting their view of me or John. Would it be weird for our colleagues to know about John and I sharing an apartment or would it be even weirder to avoid the topic/hide it and then risk people finding out later? Also, is there any need to tell HR that we’re living together?
Nah, you’re fine. This isn’t a big deal. You don’t need to proactively volunteer it to HR or anyone else, but you also don’t need to hide it. If it comes up, you can just say, “Yeah, John and I are roommates since we both moved here at the same time from the same university and knew each other a bit from school.” (You would need to disclose it if it was looking like one of you might be moved into a position managing the other, but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case.)
I’m curious about why you’ve both agreed to avoid discussing it! I suspect you’re worried it would somehow seem unprofessional (maybe too dorm-ish? or somehow just unusual for a workplace?) but it’s really not weird, especially since you’re both early in your careers, a time when roommates are really common. If your worry is because people might assume you’re a couple, that’s not a big deal either — just say “roommates” and most people will get it.
3. How to test job candidates on their ability to recall info
I’m hiring for a position at my company. For someone to excel in this position, they really need to pay attention to detail and be able to recall information from weeks or months ago. I’ve been thinking of how I can try to test these qualities while interviewing. My idea is that when I start the interview, I will briefly describe myself and what I do to the candidate. For example: “I’m Barry. For the past five years I’ve been Senior Llama Herder at Llama Farms in Albuquerque. I’ve lived in Albuquerque for 10 years but I’m originally from Scotland, where I was an interpretive dancer in a previous lifetime. At the farm I’m in charge of grooming, feeding, herding the llamas and making sure they get to bed at 8 pm sharp.” Then I would dig into my usual questions about the candidate to determine their knowledge/abilities. The last question I would ask at the end of the interview would be a recall question: “One last question, can you tell me about some of the personal or professional details that I told you about myself when I first introduced myself at the beginning of the interview?”
Does this seem like a useful tactic? I would expect most people to be able to recall a fair amount from 20 minutes prior but if they couldn’t recall any details I feel like that would let me know they weren’t taking in much of what I was telling them when they thought it wasn’t as important. And I believe that listening to your interviewer is important! Do you have any other suggestions on how to suss out if someone pays attention to details?
I wouldn’t do it that way. It feels too much like a gotcha — but more importantly, an interview where no one has told you you’re going to be tested on recall is different from a job where you know that recall is a key element. That’s especially true for info an interviewer relays at the start of an interview, where a lot of candidates will still be getting comfortable and maybe getting over nerves. If you’re going to test this way, you’ll get better results if you tell people what you’re doing ahead of time so they can put themselves in the right frame of mind. (And yes, people should pay attention to their interviewers regardless, but intros in the first five minutes are often a time when people are still getting mentally settled in.)
I’d rather see you be transparent about what you need and what you’re assessing, and make it about the job if you can. For example: “Recalling detail is really important in this job, so I’m going to give you some detail about one of the projects you’d be working on in this job, and at the end of our conversation I’m going to ask you some questions about it.” That still won’t perfectly mirror a work situation because, again, nerves are usually higher in interviews and nerves can affect recall (and it’s easier to remember details about a project when you already have an existing mental framework to plug them), but it’s a closer approximation.
4. A third person in my performance review meeting
My manager changed my mid-year review to include a senior member of our team rather than doing it one-on-one. She had been doing this with all members of our team. Personally, I hate being critiqued in front of others and have brought this to her attention on several occasions. Would it have been reasonable to ask her to move this discussion to one-on-one?
Sure, you can ask that, although you’d need to stay open to hearing it wasn’t possible. You could say, “Since we’re discussing my performance, would it be possible to do our meeting one-on-one?” If the answer is no, your manager should at least give you some context for why this person needs to be there. In fact, she should give you that context without you having to ask.
Is the senior person sitting in senior to your boss too? If so, it’s possible they’re sitting in to observe and coach her behind the scenes (especially if concerns have been raised about how she’s managing your team).
5. How to talk to coworkers about a terminal illness
I have a question for your readers. I was diagnosed with a mild but worrisome skin tumor in March. By the start of May, it had grown enough that I had surgery to remove it followed by chemotherapy that seemed to be working. I was lucky that I went into surgery and treatment at the same time as the office sent everyone home to avoid COVID, so only my immediate supervisor, HR, and the C-levels knew the details and have been 100% supportive of my needs during this time. Some colleagues didn’t even realize I was sick! I guess the cover story that I was on extended personal leave worked — which was true but not how we meant.
Unfortunately, I just had a follow up exam and the tumor was not just malignant but has metastasized into my chest. We’re performing more tests to see if another surgery is warranted or if they want to try stronger chemo first. My oncologist told me that it’s probably the difference between six to nine and 12 to 18 months, versus three months if I end treatments altogether. I’m still discussing my options with family and a couple of long-time advisors but I’m leaning toward a second surgery, even though a second “leave of absence” within six months seems, well, weird.
My concern is how much and when to discuss the situation more broadly after I make the choice. Even the best option isn’t great but it probably buys me a year of time following the second surgery to tidy up some projects and make sure there’s a continuation plan for what we can’t finish in that time. On the other hand, I don’t want to be thinking about closing up my office the entire time if I’m able to contribute for even a few more months. And I really don’t want to be talking about my medical problems with every coworker until 2022! I discussed things with my boss and she said to do what I want to do, that they trust and support my judgment.
I’m curious who among your readers has had terminally ill colleagues and how they handled things. Did they tell you everything or keep details close? Would you prefer to know less or more? What could they have done differently to make it easier on you — and on themselves?
I’m happy to throw this out to readers to weigh in on from their own experiences … but truly, what matters most here is what you are comfortable with. You are being incredibly conscientious about what will be easiest for your colleagues, but their needs are not the most important here: yours are. Instead of asking what would make things easier on them, I’m sure they’d want you do whatever would make things easiest on you! I say, figure that out and trust others to work with whatever you decide. If they’re worthy of the consideration you’re showing them, that’s what they’d prefer anyway.
I hope readers will weigh in with suggestions for you to consider, and I’m so sorry this is happening.
I miss my toxic old job, living with a coworker, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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