staff doesn’t say thank you, reference checker only wanted to hear about “exceptional” candidates, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Our staff doesn’t acknowledge the ways we’re trying to make them feel appreciated

I am a partner at a small (15-person) organization that has transitioned to remote work relatively easily since COVID. But, like lots of companies, one of our challenges has been finding ways to make employees feel appreciated and connected while we’re physically apart. We’ve tried a variety of things, including virtual happy hours, extra time off, early bonuses, small fun gifts, gift cards, and funds for happy hour supplies or a meal out. While a handful of employees say thank you every time, more than half never even acknowledge either the bonuses or the gifts. (This lack of acknowledgement of bonuses was an issue even pre-pandemic).

I enjoy working with this group and feel that we generally have a very friendly office and enjoy each other’s company, but this drives me nuts. My internal monologue keeps saying, “A simple thank you would be nice,” even just occasionally.

For context, the senior team is three people who are late 40’s, early 50s and the rest of the team is millennials, but are all experienced professionals. Is this a generational thing? I think calling people out on this would probably backfire, the longer it goes on the harder it is not to hold a grudge.

It’s not a generational thing! It’s that your employees probably see this as stuff you’re doing for the business, not as personal favors to them. And they’re right! That’s how you should look at it too. These initiatives are to keep people engaged, happy, and motivated, right? And the reason you want to do that is because it keeps your organization healthy and well-functioning. I’m sure you’re also a kind person who wants the people you work with to feel appreciated … but ultimately this stuff is driven by the business’s interests in engagement and retention, and that’s okay!

It’s great that you’re being thoughtful and working to make employees feel connected. That is work that can feel thankless (like much of management in general). But just as you wouldn’t expect people to thank you for their salaries or their time off (hopefully!), you also shouldn’t expect them to thank you for corporate initiatives. Some people will and it’s nice when they do — but you shouldn’t hold it against people who don’t. These aren’t gifts in a personal relationship! (I suspect it feels more like that to you because it’s such a small organization, which means you probably know people personally and talk to them a lot. But this is still business and so business norms, not social ones, still govern.)

All that said, it’s worth checking in with people to make sure that the initiatives you’re using are the right ones and having the effect you want. Not as a roundabout way of hearing “thank you,” but because it’s possible that people really want X when you’re giving them Y. (Probably not in this case because you’ve included money and time off, two highly popular options, but it’s still worth checking. Who knows, maybe the thing that would make the biggest impact on their happiness is “solve the bottleneck with accounting” or “stop sending us urgent work at 6 pm when you knew about it all day.” It’s always worth asking.)

2. Reference checker only wanted me to call if the candidate was “exceptional”

I agreed to serve as a reference for someone I used to supervise (who is great, I keep trying to hire him back), and got an email from a recruiter at the company that I wanted to run by you: “Jamison is interviewing for the Manager of Things position at Our Cool Company and gave us your email as reference. I’m sure you don’t have time to do a call so please disregard this email unless you found his work EXCEPTIONAL. But if he was exceptional, kindly respond and let us know with detail why.”

I have never gotten an email like this before, and it to me seems like a red flag — they’re not really doing any work to check his references, plus there’s a typo and the all caps word. All things told, had I not been on the look-out for a reference check, I might have disregarded this as spam.

I’ve seen all-email or fill-out-the-form references before, which I don’t love, but that’s clearly a thing that happens. Is this “don’t reply unless…” format a new trend? Wouldn’t a good recruiter want to hear the why of an almost-but-not-quite reference? It feels lazy to me — takes more of my time and less of the recruiter’s.

I certainly plan to respond with a strong endorsement of Jamison’s work, but I’m wondering if I should also say something to Jamison about this odd email (if in fact you think it is odd.) He’s had a couple experiences with bad managers in the last few years, and I think he is really looking for a good one.

I don’t think it’s a big red flag (though you can certainly mention it to Jamison and let him decide). But it’s not a good way to check references. References shouldn’t just be pass/fail; they should be nuanced. A glowing reference for one type of position could be a less great reference for another. Good reference checkers want to hear that nuance. Plus, if they don’t hear back from you, they just conclude the candidate isn’t good? What if you missed the email or are on vacation? What if you work for a company that strictly enforces a rule against managers giving references? (Hopefully in that case you’d write back and explain that, but some people won’t.)

Also, what bad info might they miss out on that they’d actually want to hear? If you don’t respond because the candidate embezzled and thus is not EXCEPTIONAL, they’ll never learn about the embezzling — and if his other references all loved him, that’s all they’re going to hear about.

I think the intent is in part to take less of everyone’s time (you don’t need to respond at all unless you’re gung ho about the person). But it’s lazy and missing the point of reference checking.

3. When can I list new hobbies on my resume?

I am in the process of making improvements in my life, and I’ve been seeing consistency in some of my new hobbies whereas before I would flake. I’ve kept up my Duolingo streak, I’m beta reading a friend’s novel, and I’m meeting word goals I set for myself on my own writing. All of these habits I’ve been keeping up with for about a month. It feels too soon to put them on a resume (one of my life improvement goals is to get out of retail work), but when would be the appropriate time?

Those are things that probably will never go on your resume because they’re not professional accomplishments in the resume sense. The exception is language proficiency; if you reach a point where you’re genuinely proficient (which will probably require going beyond Duolingo), you can include that on your resume.

The other things are valuable, but not really resume-worthy. If you start beta reading for multiple people and it becomes a sort of side business, that’s something you could list. If your own writing gets published, that’s something you can list (although even then it may only make sense to include if it strengthens your candidacy for the particular jobs you’re applying for).

If I’m misunderstanding and you’re proposing listing these not as work or skills, but in a Hobbies section, that’s different! In that case, you can list them as hobbies as soon as you feel like they’ve got staying power — don’t include them if you’re not confident you’ll still be doing them if an interviewer asks you about them in three months. You don’t need a Hobbies section, but there’s nothing wrong with having one.

4. Personal appointments during lunch breaks for teachers

I’m a middle school teacher and teach virtually. Without giving too much detail, we get a one-hour duty-free lunch each day (all students have lunch at this time too). I usually run out to get lunch or run errands close by. No big deal. Recently I went out to get my eyebrows done. I finished within 30 minutes and returned to school. A parent at my school spotted me and was upset (I don’t know them, nor have I ever taught their kids.)

It was clarified to her that this was my lunch break. I tried to give my boss the heads-up in case anyone said anything and he was weird about it. He basically said stared after me for a long time and then said, “But it was your lunch, right?” Then we had a conversation about what he referred to as perception.

He’s new to our school and I’ve been here a long time. No attendance issues and good evals. Am I over-thinking this? Should he have had my back? My receipt shows I paid and left well within the hour. I know parents are not happy with distance learning, but teachers deserve a lunch break.

Yeah, he should have had your back. It was your lunch break. It’s up to you if you want to spend it eating a seven-course meal or skip lunch entirely and get your eyebrows done. (That assumes the parent was upset to see you off school grounds doing something personal during the school day. If her objection was that having your eyebrows done is an unnecessary risk to take right now … well, she’s not wrong, but it’s still not something your employer should be interfering in.)

That said, teachers are notoriously subject to all sorts of judgments about their out-of-work behavior, judgments that would never fly in other professions. So your principal isn’t wrong that perception is a thing — but he still should shut down parental complaints about a teacher daring to use her lunch break for personal errands.

5. Resume accomplishments that don’t make clear what your job is all about

You often advise job seekers to use their resumes to list accomplishments, rather than job duties. How does a candidate share their accomplishments while also making clear what their position entails? If I were to only list my accomplishments, it wouldn’t be clear what my position was responsible for doing.

One way to do it is to have your first bullet point under that job summarize the job in a single sentence, then use the rest of your bullet points to talk about your accomplishments. And that summary in the first bullet point doesn’t need to be exhaustive; just cover the most important things.

staff doesn’t say thank you, reference checker only wanted to hear about “exceptional” candidates, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.



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