It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. Am I being ghosted by my wonderful former boss?
My amazing, flawless, inspiring manager, Sharon, left for greener pastures in July. My coworker and I cried. After composing myself, I wrote her a heartfelt congratulatory email and offered my assistance in her transition. Things went smoothly and we’ve been in touch off and on as things have settled and COVID was (momentarily) less of an issue in our area. She proposed some rum drinking and I found a great spot with well-reviewed food and outdoor seating, confirmed with her, and made a reservation. We had some back and forth in the meantime and she was having fun sending me all these customized stickers that I asked if she’d show me how to do when we got together. She seemed delighted and sent me a few more with even more special effects.
The day of our happy hour, she texted me a few hours before that she was stuck on a project at work and could we reschedule. I responded in the affirmative and proposed a new date. I never heard back. I chalked it up to her being busy in her new, more responsibility, role. Figured I would give her some time and circle back in a few weeks.
It has been pretty dismal at work since her departure (well, it was dismal before, but she was a glowing beacon I turned down an internal promotion to continue working directly for, which she knew/encouraged) and I’ve been applying for jobs outside my current organization. I made it to the interview stage for one and they asked me for supervisory references. I reached out to my last three supervisors (including Sharon) by text and was surprised when I heard back instantly from my previous two supervisors, but not Sharon. Instead of the messages looking like iPhone to iPhone, now everything was sending by text. In my experience, this is a telltale sign that one has been blocked, the person has a new number, or the phone has no internet connection at the moment.
The day of my interview approached and I sent Sharon an email on Friday evening to her new work address and asked if she’d changed her number and to please call/text me soon as my interview was on Tuesday and I was attempting to get references to the organization by Monday. She responded on Monday with her new work number and that she would be a reference. I thanked her profusely and gave her a debrief after the interview by email. No response.
I am absolutely bereft. I keep looking at her glowing performance appraisal, positive correspondence, and notes from our weekly one-on-one meetings and wonder what happened. Maybe I suffer from high expectations or remind her of a dark time in her professional history, but I’m not sure what’s reasonable to do right now if I want to stay in touch, even if the ball is in her court going forward. Honestly, it’s tough typing this out right now and not calling her sobbing asking what I did wrong (part of that may be living alone during quarantine, but here we are). Is there anything I can say/do to stay in touch that is less likely to go unanswered, but doesn’t come off as so desperate?
The most likely explanation is that something is going on in Sharon’s life that has nothing to do with you. She was enthusiastically participating in the relationship until suddenly she wasn’t, so either she suddenly had a spontaneous and extreme change of heart about someone she’s always been friendly to or she has her own stuff going on. The latter is much more likely.
It’s so easy to feel like the vibe we’re getting from other people is about us, but so often it has nothing to do with us. Sharon could be dealing with a family crisis, a health situation, a marriage issue — who knows. For now, give her space and assume she’ll reach out when she’s back in a place where she can do that. If she doesn’t, you can check in down the road, but give her a few months to deal with whatever might be going on. (If you’re tempted to contact her again now, resist that — you’ve made your interest in being in touch known, and following up again so quickly risks coming across as pressure that she doesn’t have room for right now.)
2. No one will tell me what my promotion is
I’ve been at a small organization for a few years. Management acknowledged I was overqualified for my initial position, and I was hired with the understanding that I would be quickly promoted. But that process has dragged on for years due to management changes, budget issues, and some interpersonal conflicts. I lost a lot of self confidence along the way; it’s been a long road. But, after consistent self-advocacy (which is new and uncomfortable for me), I learned I’m finally getting promoted! Managers are almost giddy as they congratulate me about my new role.
The problem? I have no idea what the role will be! I don’t know my new title, my job description, or how I will fit into the org structure. I think they may be planning a big reveal to the whole staff, but I’m growing more and more anxious about the whole thing. I was ready to start looking for a new job when things were confirmed. Now, management seems to think this new position will make things right, and that I’ll be 100% happy. Yet, no one—including my direct supervisor—offers information when I ask. Instead, I get some variation on, “Don’t worry–you’re going to be so happy!” I understand if there were budget concerns, and they didn’t want to overpromise/underdeliver . . . but after years of ongoing conversations with multiple managers, I’m kind of surprised they didn’t at least float what they were thinking past me at some point. Is this process normal? Is my asking for details out of line? Why are they treating a promotion like a surprise birthday party?
No, it’s not normal. Unless you’re simply being bumped up into a more senior version of the role you’re already doing (like going from llama groomer to senior llama groomer), they’re missing a key step here, which is offering you the role (because you may not want it, or may not want it for the pay they’re offering). It’s not a surprise party.
I would say this: “I appreciate that you think I’ll be happy with this, but before anything is official, I’d like to be able to discuss what the role actually is. Can we set up a time to sit down and discuss that?” And if necessary: “This sounds like it’s being talked about as a done deal, but I haven’t had the chance to sign on to whatever’s being envisioned. I want to be able to talk it through before anything is formally announced. When can we do that?” (Also, at whatever point they finally describe the role to you, they should talk about salary too. If they don’t, it’s okay to say, “What are you thinking as far as salary?”)
3. How to explain quitting because of stress and burnout
I’m writing on behalf of my partner, who currently… can’t. He’s burnt out in a fairly serious way (I’m worried about him, he’s seeing his doctor tomorrow*) In short: either the doctor signs off on stress leave or he gives his notice tomorrow, but those are the only options on the table.
He’s scared of the professional consequences of taking stress leave (or quitting) right before the busiest period of the year. He can’t do the 70-hour work weeks and panic this year, though. I’m legitimately concerned that he won’t be on the other side of it, and I’d rather it kill his career than him. Because he’s worried: is there something he can do to mitigate professional fallout? Copies of (excellent) performance reviews, etc?
His boss is not likely to be reasonable about this (she gave him a lot of grief over taking time off to come to the hospital when our baby had major surgery in January – clearly empathy is high, and 2020 started off with a bang…). He’s terrified of having the conversation with her, breaking down, and torpedo-ing his entire career, and all my advice would be based on dealing with reasonable people, which… clearly not. Help?
In future interviews, he doesn’t even need to explain this was burnout or stress or anything specific at all! He can simply say, “I was dealing with a health issue that has since been resolved.” Which is true!
He can use the same explanation with his boss if he wants — he’s dealing with an urgent health issue that can’t wait and needs to leave to attend to it. He can add in a bunch of “really regret this, loved working here, wouldn’t do it if I had other options” padding if it makes it go down easier with his boss. Often with unreasonable bosses, a performance of regret and “I’m upset this is happening” and even “you’ve been good to me, thank you” (if he can stomach that) can really counter the pushback they might otherwise give.
It won’t hurt to make sure he has copies of those excellent performance reviews too, but this should go a long way toward managing it.
4. When can I move to a two-page resume?
I am about 10 years into my professional career and am wondering when I should start submitting a two-page resume. I currently use a one-page resume but with my most recent position I am out of space on a single page. Is 10 years enough work experience to move to a two-page resume?
Yes, if you need it. Don’t feel you need to use the full second page — a page and a half is fine to do, and as always, the more info you cram into a resume, the less likely the most important stuff will be seen in a quick skim. (You may reach a point in your career where you truly need the fully second page, but if you’ve been fine with one page up until now, you probably only need half of the second one.)
For anyone who heard the old one-page resume rule and thought they’d be locked into it forever: It’s been outdated for a while now. New grads should generally stick to one page because they don’t have enough experience to justify a second, but once you’re ~8-10 years out of school, you’re fine adding a second.
5. A maiden name, a married name, and a job search
I’m getting married and changing my last name to my soon to be husband’s last name. Is there a place in my resume or on my list of references where I should include my maiden name? All my previous employers up until my current will only know me by my maiden name, so I’d hate someone to call a previous employer to do an employment check and then not be able to verify because they weren’t looking with my maiden name. If this is something I’d want to include, how and where would I put that information?
One option is to use your old last name as a middle name for a while — so if you’re currently Valentina Prescott and you’re becoming Valentina Warbleworth, your resume would say Valentina Prescott Warbleworth. If you don’t want to do that, though, it’s fine to just explain the situation on your reference list with a note like, “Jobs A, B, and C know me as Valentina Prescott, which was my maiden name.” Or you can note it under each reference: “Jane was my manager at Lllamaville Hauntings. I worked there as Valentina Prescott, my maiden name.”
is my old boss ghosting me, no one will tell me what my promotion is, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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